Oh Hai, Anxiety.
Last week Meredith sent me this link via Gchat and said, “Here. This made me laugh and think of you.” Go ahead. I’ll wait. It is actually really funny.
My only saving grace with my extreme anxiety over things that will most likely never happen is the fact that I can laugh at myself and say, “Ha, Self… You are NOT going to get Mad Cow Disease because you ate a hamburger.” (Obviously, I’ll continue to worry about whatever it is that doesn’t need to be worried about; however, I can at least make the people around me laugh while doing so.
Anyways, almost everything on that list applies to me. Not really the haircut one as much because I do change my hair quite a bit, but the rest? Absolutely. I checked the mail obsessively for an entire six months the first year I did my own taxes because I was convinced I entered something incorrectly and the IRS would be sending me a letter saying that I had to serve hard time in some terrible prison similar to Alcatraz. When the Bird Flu happened in 2005, I stockpiled Ramen and bottled water and didn’t tell a single soul I was doing it. Hey – it’s every man/woman for themselves in the Apocalypse. The WebMD one on that list? Magnify that by about 1,000 and you have my level of anxiety. But as I was reading, I realized they left a few off, so let me enlighten the rest of you on the world of my never-ending list of worries and reaction gifs because I’m nothing if not a band-wagoner.
1) Car Accidents – If there happens to be any car accidents that make the news, I will automatically assume it’s a family member and they’ve been rushed to the hospital as I sit at a red light twiddling my thumbs.
“But Whitney, they said it was a semi-truck and a large F150 pulling a trailer full of cows on I75…”
YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE HAPPENED SINCE I LAST SPOKE TO MY ENTIRE FAMILY. MAYBE ONE OF THEM DECIDED TO HELP A FRIEND OUT AND HAUL ALL THEIR COWS AWAY. YOU DON’T KNOW.
2) Big Decisions – I’m easily overwhelmed by large decisions so you know what my go-to method is of dealing with such things is? Shutting down completely. When we moved last month I actually thought at any moment I was going to drop dead of a heart attack because it was just that stressful. Everyone was asking my opinion on things like furniture and paint color and it was all entirely too much. At one point, I just laid down in the middle of the floor, face first, and cried because, you know, I’m an adult.
3) Viruses – I hear of any “new” virus popping up in the news and it’s game over. Plague is here. Stockpile your Ramen now because shit is about to go down. Flu season? Just plan on not seeing me until April. I’ll be hibernating and avoiding most public places. Hand sanitizer? Buy some stock because that bad boy is about to peak. Also, if you work in the medical field I will pester you with questions regarding my current state.
“I have a runny nose and I’ve been coughing a little bit…”
“Whitney, it’s probably just a cold.”
“Wrong. It’s terminal and I’m dying. Spread the word.”
4) Not Answering Your Phone – My cousin, Emilee, actually pointed this one out (so if you can’t tell, the nerves in my family? They be a fragile thing, m’dear) but if I call you and you don’t answer your phone and then if you proceed to NOT call back, I’m already planning your funeral and halfway through my seven (twelve?) stages of grief. In fact, if it’s your house phone, I’ve completely envisioned either a) a burglar broke into your house in the middle of the night to simply murder your entire family for laughs or b) you’ve fallen down and broken your neck in the most unfortunate landing. So, until you call back I’ll just be here, alone, imagining what terrible things have most likely befallen you.
5) Vacations – For most people, the week or so leading up to vacations is a time of excitement as you count down to the day your flight takes off or the day you hit the road. Not me. Those two weeks before vacation are typically filled with me worrying over every possible worst case scenario. What if we all catch some sort of stomach bug the night before? Or even worse, what if one of us starts throwing up ON the drive down?? If I’m flying, I’ll spend my spare time catching very Final Destination-ish type things in my every day life. That light bulb just blew when I flipped the switch? Sure sign that it’s supposed to represent what’s going to happen to the plane mid-flight – EXPLODE.
So yeah, how excited are you to not deal with me on a daily basis?