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Bachelor Pad: It’s Back! And Just As Terrible As Ever!

July 24, 2012

YOU GUYS. My life finally had meaning last night as I lay sprawled out in my oversized chair… Bachelor Pad had returned! And with it was my reality show hero… Michael Stagliano.

But wait. I’m getting ahead of myself.

First, let’s be real. This show is only going to get more ridiculous as the seasons go on because, c’mon. It’s all, “Hey! Wanna be on a show where you get to play really degrading games with cheesy names and then have sex with random people while sleeping in bunk beds surrounded by other random people? Also, communicable diseases. Those are there too.”

And of course, people are all, “SIGN. ME. UP.”

But! Let us give thanks because we get to watch this train wreck every week!

Anyways, back to the show. I’m not giving you pics and recaps of every person on the show like last year because a) you all have a life and b) that took way too long last year with all the clicking and copying and pasting and just…no. Plus, i don’t even really know who is on the show because I was too focused on the SUPER FANS.

Yeah.

SUPER FANS (which will only be referred to in all caps because there is no way to say that phrase without wanting to shout it from the mountain tops) were allowed to make videos professing their love for the contestants on the Bachelor and/or Bachelorette. Once they submitted the videos the producers chose who they thought would be a great match to put on the show, which is actually similar to being fed to actual lions in front of a live audience like they did in Jesus times.

Anyways, four girls (a set of twins are operating as one person… and yeah, I KNOW. It’s awful.) and three guys were chosen.  Now, when I discovered this twist, only this flashed in my brain:

I want to make sure that you and I are best friends – “gnome” matter what. ~ Cool Ethan, easily my favorite stalker in cinema history.

Of course, this ups the chances of someone being murdered in their sleep and taken to a taxidermist but hey! THIS IS REALITY TELEVISION, FOLKS. Those are the rules.

Not really.

However, I am keeping my eye on the gal who was shown sketching a picture of none other than Stagliano himself… Don’t trust anyone who does sketches of others. So basically, artists. Don’t trust artists.

I have gotten WAY off track. Back to my point… The SUPER FANS show up and all the reality show “vets” extend their claws because, “Hiss! Boo! These are OUR venereal diseases, thankyouverymuch! We earned these, assholes.” It was very Bad Girls Club-esque with everyone immediately hating the SUPER FANS on site. Erica Rose at one point even mentions how pathetic it was to call yourself a fan.

I cannot even wrap my brain around this logic.

You are on a reality show where fans made you famous! How are you not leaning more towards, “Hey, thanks for watching! Let me kiss your feet.” Whatever. It’s Erica Rose. Puke.

Ok, after introduction of people who I have yet to learn the names of (except Blakely who I vaguely recognize as the batshit crazy girl from some season) Ed, who was apparently a big ol’ cheater after proposing to Jillian, gets drunk and dives into the pool. So, standard Bachelor Pad behavior.

“This isn’t a hot tub! It’s a cold tub!”

The contestants and SUPER FANS then choose their partners with everyone running away from the SUPER FANS as though they have leprosy. Or Herpes. Toss up.

The challenge? “Falling Out Of Love.” I know… we can do better, guys. We really, really can.

The partners have to crawl into a plastic heart and stay wedged in there while the heart is being tipped forward. The first to fall gets a vote against them; the last couple standing wins a date.

Much to Erica “SUPER FANS ARE NOTHING BUT UGLY LOSERS TO ME” Rose’s dismay, she and her partner fall first. And! The SUPER FAN couple wins! Except it’s the twins, who America already hates. I’m sure of it. The twins plus the other SUPER FAN get to go on a cheesy carnival date that culminates to these weirdos skinny dipping in the Pacific. The entire time SUPER FAN David keeps comparing this to past Bachelor/Bachelorette dates, complete with a voiceover and clips from the dates.

“And this is just like that one time so-and-so and so-and-so were on the ferris wheel! And THIS is just like that one time what’s-his-name and what’s-her-name rode a carousel!”

Then it showed him crafting a hair doll from Michael Stagliano and Blakely’s hair…

Not really. (I mean, I bet it happened. Just not on camera.)

Speaking of Stagliano, where’s our hero been? Being normal. As always. That’s why he’s our hero!

The rose ceremony happens and this one guy (SUPER FAN Nick, I believe) keeps on saying how SUPER FAN Dave f**ked him because he put a target on his back and I don’t know the rest because I seriously could not stop staring at his eyes. Are they crossed? Are they too close together? What’s going on here?

Alas, SUPER FAN Nick was correct. SUPER FAN Dave f**ked him and all the other SUPER FANS by dividing the house. (Amateur! How do you not know how to play this game?! I am clearly a better SUPER FAN.) Except SUPER FAN Donna. He did not f**k her. (Yet… ZING!) She was kept around because she has big boobs. I predict this will wear off soon since the majority of the girls on this show are running around with their fake ta-tas.

So SUPER FAN Nick and SUPER FAN Paige hit the road. They’re moderately sad. It was an acceptable exit.

Then we got treated to previews for the entire season and lo and behold, it appears that our beloved Stagliano effing proposes!!! I refuse to believe this is true just yet because NO, Stag. Just be normal! Normal people don’t propose in a six-week time span! Stop it!

Whatever.

I’ll keep watching.

So will you.

See ya next week!

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