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It’s The Lizard Feet At Three In The Morning… Gets Me Every Time.

February 7, 2012

I am a chicken.

This should not come as a shock to anyone who has ever met me in real life and/or spoken to me for more than five minutes. I’ve always been this way. I blame my older brother and years of being tormented by the timeless, classic prank of “Whitney, DON’T MOVE. It’s right behind you.”

That, of course, only lead me to frantically scream out, “WHAT’S behind me?! Why can’t I move?! IS IT GOING TO EAT ME???” In the meantime, while I’m simultaneously having a massive fear-induced meltdown, my brother is laughing hysterically because, well, there’s nothing behind me. Except my pride. It could probably be seen fleeing the scene of the crime.

Because of this debilitating fear of all things that probably aren’t going to happen to me but there is a .01% chance they could, I have banned most scary movies from my life. I can handle a few slasher flicks and I actually happen to love all the Scream movies, but for the most part, Mike and I live by the No Scary Movies rule. Occasionally, he’ll find one he wants to see and I simply bide my time in the bedroom with the door shut and tv turned up to full volume to avoid having to hear anything remotely terrifying that may or may not scar me for life.

Back in October, however, I was feeling brave. (I tend to do this every so often. Something comes over me and I’m convinced I am no longer a chicken.) October is a month meant for scary movies! It’s pretty much a requirement to watch one during October or you just fail at all things October (and that includes Halloween! Don’t fail at Halloween!) Mike was on this kick where he was only renting movies from the library and while he was there Paranormal Activity caught his eye so he brought it home. Now, I’d hear all the hype about this movie but decided since it was 2:00p on a Sunday, I could handle it. I mean, it was daytime!

We watched it and it really didn’t have a lot in it. There’s a lot cabinet doors opening, a lot of banging around, etc. I really wasn’t bothered by the majority of the movie. In fact, I was thinking, “This is a piece of cake! Maybe I’m not such a chicken after all!” And then… the familiar knot in my stomach formed and there it was. The characters in the film decide to see if there’s any form of physical evidence of whatever is going through their cabinets at night so they dust the floor with flour to see if there are any footprints. The next morning, there are footprints in the flour.

Not human footprints.

Not even paws of some sort.

No.

There are what appears to be some sort of lizard/Velociraptor footprints in the flour.

You may have a velociraptor roaming your halls at night. I suggest a change in location.

I do not know why this is what bothered me from that movie. I mean, at the end the girl becomes possessed and has a completely screwed up face as she heaves her dead husband’s body at the camera… Why didn’t that bother me? ‘Tis a mystery, I admit, but regardless, it was the lizard feet that got me…

I pretended I was fine. I was slightly embarrassed by the fact that this movie had scared me because it really WASN’T scary. So, I did what any mature adult would do, and pretended that it was ridiculous and chuckled right along with Mike about how not scary the movie was.

“So stupid!”

“Can’t believe that movie even got made!”

“WHO would think THAT was scary?? I mean, what’d they do?? Have a giant bird come in and walk through the powder?! Absurd.”

In reality, I knew nightfall was coming and I knew Mike would not be game for leaving every light in the house on. I sucked it up and laid under the covers wide awake and Mike slept peacefully beside me. Every creak in the house convinced me that the lizard thing was coming for me…

Sometimes Mike gets terrible leg cramps at night, so in order to let me get some sleep (or so he thinks) he will sometimes get up and go sleep in the guest room. Little does he know that I wake up THE SECOND the door shuts to the guest room. I try to convince myself that I’m fine. After all, I make Evie sleep in HER bed alone.

Some nights I can do it. I can hold my ground and convince myself that having the bed to myself is actually great! Look at all this room! Wheeee! But then… I start thinking… I look at the clock… 3:07am… 3:11am… 3:23am… And out of NOWHERE, it pops into my head… The lizard feet. Those stupid, stupid lizard feet.

Mike usually wakes up when I sneak into the bedroom and I finally had to admit my problem. “It’s the damn lizard feet, ok!” It was a shameful admission… I, Whitney Fay, am scared of the lizard feet in Paranormal Activity.

And that is the story of how Mike and I now end up sleeping a good portion of our nights in the guest room.

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