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How is this not Monday???

January 10, 2012

This morning, after spilling half of my smoothie all over my boots and kitchen floor, I rear ended a car after dropping Evie off at school. It was in the school parking lot and I seriously did NOT hit the person that hard. (Besides! They were in my way…) It was at the exit and I had my head turned left, looking for oncoming traffic and thinking the person in front of me had already pulled out, I hit the gas.

Which lead to me hitting their bumper.

I wasn’t injured. My car wasn’t injured. I didn’t THINK their car was injured but apparently this upstanding citizen thought differently.

“Eh… I actually see some scratches. And it looks like you maybe have broken your license plate holder…”

Are you kidding me? I see three MINISCULE scratches on your bumper. Like I could pull out some red fingernail polish and solve this problem instantly.

But no.

They asked for my information so I obliged.

YOU ALL. I had to get within like two inches of their bumper to see what they were talking about. (And I know. Mike screamed, “How did you know those weren’t already there??” and I don’t for sure, but this person totally plays by the rules. You can tell. The thought of lying never entered their brain.)

So, we exchanged info and I just got off the phone and told them I would more than likely pay out of pocket because there’s no use in my insurance going up over THREE SCRATCHES.

After I left the scene of the crime, thoroughly annoyed, I had to get gas. For most humans, getting gas isn’t a big deal but since today is being an asshole, my gas tank decided to get stuck. At this point, I’m already late for work, I’ve “tapped” a car, and I’m cold. My morning is going downhill fast…

No matter how much I tugged, my gas tank wouldn’t budge. No matter how many times I pressed the release lever it wouldn’t pop open. After ten minutes of futile attempts, a gentleman approached me and said, with a tone of Are You Brain Damaged, “You have to hold the release and pull on the gas tank at the same time.”

Well, ok, great, Mr. Rubber Band Arms, you wanna show me how YOU do that? Because the last time I checked I didn’t have a wing span of a CONDOR.

I would have been nicer had he not sounded entirely disgusted by my absence of a Masters Degree in Getting Shit UnStuck Like Gas Tanks, but he didn’t so I wasn’t. Besides, he offered to help ME. Not like I begged him for his all knowing wisdom of Getting Shit UnStuck Like Gas Tanks.

Instead, I said, “Great. Do you mind to pull on the gas tank while I hold the lever?”


He sighed. Like he was exasperated with my situation!

Listen, dick, I’ve just had a really crappy morning and TRUST ME, I would have eventually pried my gas tank open so don’t do ME any favors because you feel the need to fulfill your Good Citizen meter or whatever.

But I didn’t say any of that. Instead, I mumbled a thank you and went to pay.

Except THEN I noticed my credit card was bent and the card reader wouldn’t read it.


I had to haul ass into the store, ask the guy to manually enter my credit card number, stand there while he made some lame joke about loving delete buttons that I had no interest in understanding and I finally made it back out to my car and on my way to work…

I just got off the phone with the insurance agent.

The person I hit has already filed a claim. For three scratches.

This is 100% Monday dressed up like Tuesday.


4 Comments leave one →
  1. January 10, 2012 12:33 pm

    Holy CRAP! That is just a fabulous day! And it’s only half over! (You’re welcome for pointing that out.) Perhaps you need to (cough cough) tell your boss you aren’t (cough cough) feeling well and need to stay in bed under the covers until Wednesday rolls around. Just a thought.

    (I loved your comment on Best of Fates so I had to check out your site. Consider me a new follower.)

  2. January 10, 2012 1:40 pm

    They filed charges! Can they even do that without a police report? That is such bull shit!

    also, i enjoyed picturing you with Condor arms.

  3. January 10, 2012 6:16 pm

    They are asshats for filing a claim with your insurance company.

    Hope the evening is better!

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