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A Search For Hot Dog Buns & The Annoyance That Entailed

January 9, 2012

So THAT title totally has something to do with this post. Aren’t you guys proud? I’m getting better.

Back to the story at hand, though. New Years Day found me awake at freakin’ 7am, which is typical for me if I have any alcohol the night before. I’m not one of those lucky few who can sleep off a hangover. And honestly, I really wasn’t that hungover on New Years Day. I’d been somewhat responsible the night before, I’ll have you know. Regardless, my body knew that I had consumed alcohol so this is how I came to be sitting on the couch at a terribly early hour watching that awful Adam Sandler movie, Just Go With It. (Why, Jennifer Aniston? Why would you sign on for this? It was the trip to Hawaii, wasn’t it? I’d probably be ok with doing a terrible movie too if it meant I’d be spending a great deal of time in Hawaii.)

Regardless. There I was, nursing a mild headache and being inexplicably sucked into this movie when my mother called at 9:30a informing me that she was cooking hot dogs for lunch if Michael and I wanted to join her. Knowing I wouldn’t be in the mood for cooking, I agreed that *I* would be there. Michael would be in the bed for the majority of the day. (Well, that’s what happens when you play a game that involves rolling a dice and taking however many shots that the dice says.) Anyways, there was just one small matter at hand that she asked me to take care of and so I agreed. (She was giving me free hot dogs! My guiltiest food pleasure! Don’t judge me…)

She needed hot dog buns.

No big deal.

She told me she’d be back from church around 12:15p so I had plenty of time to grab them. I assumed Rite Aid would have them so I ventured there first to notice they had a measly 3 loaves of stale bread on their depleted shelves. Odd for Rite Aid… Then I went to a gas station that is 30 seconds from my house thinking, “Hot dog buns are a common item to run out of, right? This place will definitely have them!”

Had I been in search of hamburger buns, I would have hit the jackpot. But apparently this place discriminated against the hamburger’s porky cookout mate and was told, “Nope, but the gas station down the street has them for sure.” I was getting aggravated at this point because I know for a fact that I have bought hot dog buns at Rite Aid before and if a gas station has hamburger buns in stock it should be contractually obligated to keep hot dog buns in stock as well. These things are like peas and carrots!

Long story sort of short… I went to the next gas station to find that NO. WE HATE HOT DOGS TOO.

WTF.

I was trying to avoid going to WalMart or Kroger just because they’re further than I wanted to travel at all considering I was in giant baggy sweatpants, last night’s makeup, and a messy ponytail. Whitney was not looking her best by any means.

Anyways, I decided that Save-A-Lot, which I typically avoid at ALL costs because of the clientele that tends to visit the Save-A-Lot closest to me, would be my best bet for avoiding any people I may know or would have reason to feel ashamed of my appearance in front of. (Don’t think I’m being all snobby because I’m not… This Save-A-Lot is ROUGH.)

First off, this is the brightest store I have ever been in my ENTIRE life. It was like a damn spotlight the second I walked in and my mild headache went from mild to near-migraine in half a second.  Second, I have suddenly become annoyed at my mother because BRENDA. I KNOW you just went to the grocery so why would you choose to make the one thing for dinner you don’t have all the necessities for!

But third and most off, as I walk around the corner there is this guy… who looks like the biggest scumbag I have ever seen…. standing there with a girl who I assume to be his girlfriend. As I’m walking by, IN MY SWEATPANTS AND NASTY PONYTAIL AND SMEARED MAKEUP, he looks at me and snarls his lip up and says, “You are one sexy motherfucker.”

Ok, let’s pause a second.

A)The girl you are with is standing RIGHT next to you and she looks absolutely horrified that you would have the nerve to utter these words to a complete stranger.

B) In what world has calling a random stranger a “sexy motherfucker” EVER worked for you? What did you think was going to happen? I was going to drop my purse and throw myself at you in the middle of the dairy section in Save-A-Lot???

I was actually blown away for a second. Then I remembered where I was and immediately gave the guy my best “You’re an a-hole” face. So I kept walking only to hear the guy shout out, “Oh this isn’t my girlfriend!”

Right.

Like that’s what was stopping me, pal.

I gave him the bird and walked around the corner.

P.S. The hot dog buns were stale. I shall never return to Save-A-Lot. Ever.

P.P.S. My mother didn’t have faith in me retrieving the hot dog buns so she sent my stepdad out for them as well. (“I figured you had fallen back to sleep, Whitney!” Thanks, Brenda. I’ll remember that.) Turns out, WalMart didn’t have them either. Apparently everyone was eating hot dogs on New Years Eve.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. January 9, 2012 5:23 pm

    This made me laugh. hard.

    Also, the only person who could ever pull off the Sexy Motherfucker to a random stranger is Samuel L Jackson. Or maybe anybody who requires the constant use of his middle initial when you refer to them.

  2. January 9, 2012 5:23 pm

    Scratch that.

    George W Bush.

    No way.

    It’s only Samuel L.

  3. Emily permalink
    January 9, 2012 10:47 pm

    I hate it when a simple errand turns into a huge pain in the ass like that. Also, this explains why you called me at NINE a.m. on New Years Day….

  4. Jana permalink
    January 13, 2012 11:17 am

    haha! This is hilarious! I had a similar incident once walking out of the gas station. A fella straddling his BICYCLE outside the front door said “I wanna go with you babe.” I almost stopped and asked if that had ever seriously worked for him. Like I was gonna say “Well come on then, let’s throw your bike in the trunk!”

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