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I managed to make myself appear to be a stripper to a Wal-Mart cashier.

November 2, 2011

Ohhhhh two days in a row! On a roll, folks. On a roll…

(Just jinxed myself right there, I’m sure.)

This past weekend was the big weekend where we had friends come in town from fancy (*country voice) states like New York and Texas. It was a weekend filled with Keeneland (of course) and Halloween parties. (We will not be mentioning college football around here…) The Halloween party was a costume party and I just could NOT find the time to throw together a costume this year, which is actually SO not like me. Mike went as Mayhem from the All State commercials. (I think it’s All State…) I went as a sad, sad nothing in just regular clothes.

HOWEVER. That is not the point of this tale.

At the party we played a little gambling game called Left, Right, Center. It’s a super easy game that involves dice and dollar bills. Mike and I won three times in a row, much to the disappointment to all the party guests. In fact, I’m pretty sure we actually pissed a couple of people off. But it’s not like it was our fault! It’s completely a game of luck. There is no strategy. Anyways, we ended up walking away with about ninety bucks… all in dollar bills.

You all see where this is going, right?

Sunday is typically grocery day in our house and this week Mike sent me to tackle the task alone. Well, Evie was in tow which sort of makes it even more embarrassing. Once I gathered my goods and was ready to check out, I realized that I’ve got a wad of dollar bills I’m going to have to shove into the cashier’s hand. Now, it’s important to know that I’m lazy and didn’t actually take the time to neatly fold all of my dollars and I, indeed, had them all shoved down into my purse. So, this twenty-year old kid is ringing up my groceries while I stand there wedding-ring-less and with a small child… and I’m counting dollar bills.

I could’ve just let it go.

I could’ve just chosen to let that guy think whatever it was he was thinking and judge me from behind his little counter.

But no.

I started talking.

Hey guys, guess what. I’m a rambler. You know what else? It gets even worse when I’m nervous and/or embarrassed.

It started out innocently enough, “Heh, yeah, I know what you’re probably thinking with all of these dollar bills…”

*Blank stare… (Which you would have THOUGHT that would have been my cue to shut up, but noooooo. Just kept on digging myself a nice little hole.)

“Well, yeah, I GET that you probably THINK I’m a stripper with all of these dollar bills I just have crumpled up here… ”  *innocently holds out wads of dollar bills… “But really, I went to a party last night and there was this gambling game…”

The kid starts to visibly blush at this point so *I* start to turn red but yet! I JUST KEEP. ON. TALKING.

“It only required dollar bills! And my BOYFRIEND and I, we won like three times in a row! Isn’t that crazy? I mean, talk about some luck! And we even joked that when I went to the grocery today that the cashier was going to think I was a stripper who just getting off my shift and going to the grocery so that I could use my hard earned money to buy my poor child some food or something. I mean, it’s not like I’m blowing it on beer and smokes. Am I right???”

You all. If I could bottle awkwardness, this moment would be 100 proof. The kid looked like he wanted to cry and at this point my face is so hot I’m starting to get sweaty. The line is backing up behind me and after I hand him my wrinkly, wrinkly dollar bills he has to count them one… by…. one. He’s embarrassed for me. I’m embarrassed for me. The people behind me are judging me and what they perceive to be my poor life choices.

It was a sad day in Wal-Mart. Once I paid the difference with my credit card, I slowly slumped out of the store leaving any trace of dignity back at the register.

The end.

P.S. I would have had to have been a pretty terrible stripper to only have ninety bucks from one shift so I didn’t even have the illusion that I was somewhat good at my job. Pitiful.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Matt permalink
    November 2, 2011 3:41 pm

    Face of fire………

  2. November 3, 2011 8:37 pm

    Oh my god, this made me laugh and laugh.

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