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How to Annoy Me With Facebook: A Detailed Look

September 30, 2011

Surprisingly, I’m NOT one of those people complaining about the new layout. I mean, I can if you want me to. There are several things that are not ideal, in my humble opinion. But! That’s neither here nor there when it comes this post. No, no, today I’m reserving space on my little blog with the stuff people PUT on FB. Not saying that I’m exempt. I’m sure I annoy a lot of people. I bet I annoy the people who annoy me with all my ranting about their stupid status updates but I feel like since it’s Friday, we can all use a little constructive criticism, no? (Maybe not. I don’t know…)

Anyways, for the record I took a little poll on Twitter to see if maybe I was just being irrational in my dislike for some of these types of status updates. But, nope. I’m not alone. (Which, let’s be honest… I knew I wasn’t going to be. I’m not irrationally annoyed by most things! In fact, if I AM irrationally annoyed I will say, “I know that I’m irrationally annoyed by this but…”) So, what I’m saying is that… pretty much everyone thinks these types of status updates are annoying… PLUS, everyone’s granted a couple of these during their lifetime on FB. I guarantee I’ve been guilty of one or more of these before, but I’m looking at the hardcore, annoy me with every status update they ever put because HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT’S ANNOYING???

You really are.

#1. The Vague-Booker: You know who you are and let me just rephrase your status for you with all its vague innuendos of who you’re possibly mad at, what job you may or may not be getting, or whatever hell else you feel like people are remotely interested in: I have a secret and I want everyone to KNOW I have a secret and then! THEN I want everyone to ask me about it. I won’t answer directly and instead will say something like, “I’ll message you what’s going on” in hopes of only stirring up MORE curiosity from whomever happens to stumble upon this unfortunate, unfortunate status update. Guys, look, if you have something that you can’t tell everyone about yet, don’t bother putting it on Facebook. Just wait until you can announce it.

#2. The Detail-Booker: We don’t care that you went to the grocery, found carrots on sale, saved thirty-two cents with a coupon and then came home, fed the baby, put him down for a nap, watched Days of Our Lives, got the baby up, changed his diaper and then patiently waited for your husband to get home while playing with blocks on the living room floor with the aforementioned baby.  If this is what you’re using your status updates for, just skip that feature. Pretend it doesn’t exist! Trust me, nobody needs to know what you’re doing every minute of every day.

#3. The Brag-Booker: Look, we all like to be excited for our friends when they accomplish something they’ve been aiming for. We get excited when our buddies get that promotion, proposal, new house, etc. but if every day of your life involves leaving a status update on FB about how perfect your life is… We sometime imagine stabbing you in the kidney or at the very least, punching you in the mouth. Also: WE DON’T BELIEVE YOU. (At least not all the time because gimme a break… Nobody’s life is that perfect. It’s called being insecure and you’re overcompensating. See? We’re not stupid.)

#4. The Humble-Bragger: This may be worse than the Brag-Booker. “UGH. This is my 3rd manicure of the week and this is the THIRD time there’s been a smudge.” Um… if you’re biggest complaint is that you have a smudge in your manicure, maybe you should take a sec to re-evaluate your priorities. Or at least stop putting them on Facebook. No, really. “OMG. It’s a good thing that my job pays so well. Otherwise, there’d be NO WAY I’d work this late on a Friday.” Wait… Did you really just talk about how much money you make WHILE complaining about the hours? You do realize your complaint didn’t free up a spot to brag, right? That’s not how that works. Once again, it’s insulting if you don’t think we don’t see that you’re really just masking a brag… In fact, there’s an entire Twitter account dedicated to you people.

#5. The Love-Booker: You are the worst of the worst… We’re happy you’re happy but if you manage to mention the self-proclaimed “love of your life” in every single status update, well, we feel sorry for you. One, quit it, we’re embarrassed for you. Two, it is ANNOYING to hear how perfect someone is every day. Three, WE DON’T BELIEVE YOU. (Not if EVERY status is about your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. No! It’s not possible! STOP. IT.) Basically, THIS. This times a million.

#6. The Mom-Booker: (I’m strictly adding this in for Christina, my friend, the baby hater.) You’re potty training your kid? Guess what! Gross! It’s your baby’s birthday? Guess what! Your kid doesn’t have Facebook and can’t see the birthday wishes! Your kid is only two and can speak Spanish? Guess what! That’s not a necessary skill at the age of two! I’ve been the occasional mom-booker, much to Christina’s disgust, I’m sure, but seriously… every post about your baby? You do know you can sill have your OWN life and a child, right? Promise it can be done.

#7. The Check-In Update: “At McDonald’s with SoandSo, WhatsHerName, and Jondoe! Gettin’ our Quarter Pounder on!” I do not care where you are. I’m not a crook who’s planning to rob your house. As far as I know, I never intend on following this career path so it would be fantastic if you’d stop telling me where you are every damn second of the day. And the people who check in at the hospitals or ER’s? WTF. Aren’t you injured?? Quit it.

#8. The Grim Reaper: “I can’t believe Michael Jackson is actually dead!!!! Just found out!! Breaking news on E!” Yes, we get it. You’re practically the Grim Reaper’s right hand man with all your knowledge of the latest celebrity death. Yes, you and those 300 other people flooding my newsfeed at the moment. Just… stop it.

#9. The Runner: Hey! Look at you gettin’ healthy! Way to go! Now stop telling me every single time you go on a run, how many miles you ran, what distance and exactly how exhausted or energized you are afterwards. We don’t care! Nor do I care how many calories you burned!

Basically, I feel like status updates should be reserved for humorous musings. Which is probably missing the point of status updates because, in all fairness, it DOES ask you, “What’s going on?” and well, maybe you ARE running at that moment or whatever, but c’mon now. People that brag know that they’re bragging. People who talk about the love of their life are really just trying to either a) make people jealous or b) trying to cover up an insecurity with their relationship. It’s not that hard to figure out. And before I get deemed the Facebook Grinch, I’m not against these things EVER being posted. It’s the excessiveness that kills me. SO, you know, basically, tone it down a notch, people, because at this point I have like 10 Facebook friends I haven’t blocked in my newsfeed yet.

11 Comments leave one →
  1. September 30, 2011 3:23 pm

    ok, first of all, I am not a baby hater. I thought I explained this to you Whitney–I only hate the moms of these babies! See? I’m a really nice person.

    Also, I DO post things about my kids. My actual gripe is with people who post a status directed AT their kid. Because, let’s be honest 1) the baby is probably sitting in your lap as you are telling them happy birthday on facebook–just tell them to their face! and 2) babies can’t read!

    I agree with you that everyone does these things once in a while–all things in moderation. It’s the people who do them daily that get hidden from my feed.

  2. September 30, 2011 4:16 pm

    I just want to add one more. I can’t think of a clever name for it, but the ones that are all “re-post this if you love Jesus/your country/soldiers or support cancer or love your kids or are an old-school parent. I HATE those. They are just like email forwards….I hate those, too.

    • September 30, 2011 4:22 pm

      YES, Holly! I hate those too. I should’ve listed them as The Pressure-Bookers…

  3. October 1, 2011 8:36 am

    Ugh, agreed! I hate re-postings. But, I admit to being an occasional vague-booker or mom-booker. I wear it proudly. Ok, no I don’t, but I know I do it.

    • October 3, 2011 10:12 am

      Haha, you have a fairly new baby so I suppose I give you a pass, Katy. 🙂

  4. October 3, 2011 7:56 am

    We should be Facebook friends! I do almost none of those. I only faux-brag about my running on Twitter, because, really?! if you can’t even run a 15 minute mile, that’s not brag-worthy.

  5. misszoot permalink
    October 3, 2011 10:07 am

    I do almost all of these! But I also counterbalance them with the humorous musings as well, so I hope in the end I’m weighing in on the positive side of things.

    Oh – and I have one family member that responds to her friend’s statuses in her own status. It drives me crazy b/c the only people who understand her status are those of us who happened to see the other friend’s and connect the two – so more often than not she looks INSANE because no one understands her statuses!

    • October 3, 2011 10:13 am

      LOL, but it’s all about how MUCH you do it. I don’t mind any of these occasionally.

      Plus, you make me laugh so you get a pass.

  6. October 4, 2011 12:51 pm

    How about the people who have a Facebook account, but say they never go on it. It’s like a snob reversal thing. Oh wait, I do that now.

  7. October 5, 2011 4:54 pm

    Posts like this remind me why I never go on Facebook.

    Except to update my blog page, that is.

    Which I’m sure in of itself annoys everybody!

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