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Bachelor Pad: I’m Now Convinced This Season Existed Only to Torture Michael Stagliano.

September 13, 2011

Guys! It’s here! The finale recap! And I know you’re just as excited as I am. How could you not be?! (Very easily, I know. Just let me have my moment.) Anyways, you all, I was so committed to this that I took notes. NOTES. New high? Or new low? Shush. I don’t want to know your answer. Now, on with the show!

We find our favorite BP contestants meandering around the common room, with Holly looking a tad forlorn because she just sent home Blake, when Chris Harrison pops in and basically says, “Hey, yeah, pack your bags. We’re heading to Vegas for the final challenge.”

(Vegas! City of Sin! Perfect!)

The Challenge: “Hey, let’s go out with a bang, guys! What are these people good at??? *Silence… Hmm…Nothing that can be aired on network television, it seems, so… I’ve got it! Cirque De Soleil act! That’s not hard & doesn’t require much skill, does it?!” ~ The Producer’s of This Week’s Show.

Unitards for everyone! Whee!

The remaining people (Kirk, Ella, Kasey, Vienna, Graham, Michelle, Holly and Michael) have to learn a routine and are judged on a bunch of things but the only thing I can remember is “chemistry of the couple” because, immediately the camera pans to Michael and Holly. (Awkward moment #1. Let’s keep count, shall we?) There’s some fretting from those two because will they be able to pull it off?! Can they keep it together for one final challenge?! Which, if I were Michael, I’d have already told Holly to hit the road. That being said, Michael Stagliano is a better person than me.

Ella has now added all the things she’s going to do for her son with the money if she wins. So, let’s see, we’ve got build a foundation for battered women, buy a house, and now, it’s all for her son… (And let’s just say, I’m not at all mocking her intentions with this money. I’m just saying that well… Maybe foundations aren’t very expensive to build and maybe her son is going to get a bunch of scholarships for college.) She’s terrified of the challenge.

And… basically this challenge was super boring. It was until Graham said that he was “literally” pissing down his leg from fear. At that point I decided either GROSS or Graham needs to look up the definition of “literally.”  Kasey on the other hand thinks that his humor and wit are going to be his ticket to the rose. Then he adds something about being a “survivor” and a “dreamer.”

KASEY. Did you listen to what the challenge is AT ALL? I’m guessing no because YOU NEVER STOP TALKING.

Everyone kinda sucks at their “act” but afterwards of COURSE one of the judges (Jason Mesnick, former Bachelor) asks Michael and Holly are a couple because of their “great chemistry.” Michael’s heart crumbles a tiny bit more as Holly violently shakes her head no. (Awkward moment #2)

Michael and Holly are given the rose, Kirk and Ella are given the boot, and everyone loses in those pantsuits they were forced to wear for the challenge. At one point, I’m curious as to whether Michael has a figure skating gig lined up after the BP because he is looking so special in those tights. The real tragedy here is that they don’t allow Kirk and Ella change out of those tights before hauling them off to a limo. Yeah, you try looking dignified while crying AND wearing a neon yellow pantsuit. It cannot be done.

So with Ella & Kirk gone, it’s up to Michael and Holly to decide who they get to take with them to the finale. The obvious choice would be Kasey & Vienna because everybody hates them so of course, Holly and Mike would pull out the win. BUT Graham and Mike have had a serious bromance brewing this entire time so… he’s kind of obligated to take Graham and Michelle. BUT it wouldn’t be BP if people weren’t always thinking of doing something shady so at first you think Mike’s gonna dick his friend over (it’s ok, Graham thought it too and then acts like he’s going to fight Mike… and then says something about being “physically” mad which I guess is different that being “emotionally” mad but either way, the end result is Graham wanting to punch little Stag) but then in true BP fashion Mike and Holly decide to kick Kasey and Vienna to the curb.

Which.. THANK GOD. I’m still annoyed that they made it that far. They hold it together until they get in the limo and then Vienna lets out a wail and you hear, “My perfect rose record is RUINED!”

And this is where I turned off my tv because I could not handle another second of these two assholes.

But then I turned it right back on. Who am I kidding?!

The Drama: The next two hours are spent getting caught up with everyone at the finale and the first two focused on are FiveHead and Jackie. Now, before someone tells me I’m a horrible person for calling him FiveHead (what- you like Robot better? Frankenstein?) you have to admit, THERE IS SOMETHING STRANGE GOING ON WITH HIS FOREHEAD. Also, he seems like a jerk because clearly little Jackie is heartbroken. (It may have not been clear had she not said, “Ames! I was heartbroken! I didn’t get out of bed for week!” That’s when I shouted, “Jackie! NO! You do not want to date a robot! It NEVER ends well! The robots always go bad and then you’re responsible for the end of the human race!”)

(She didn’t listen.)

There are a few random questions and the basis consensus is that Kasey is apparently a genius for orchestrating such a strategic move by… I don’t know what. All of these people have apparently had lobotomies if they consider Kasey the smart one.

Jake still talks like The Beave. Apparently, Vienna no longer hates him. (Of course she doesn’t hate him any more. It’s not getting her anymore camera time.)

THEN good ol’ Chris Harrison (who I think actually hates Vienna) calls Kasey up on stage. Kasey spends the next five minutes throwing his own pity party, complete with confetti and streamers. He’s realized Jake actually isn’t a terrorist and apologizes for telling him he was going to punch him the face for America. Then we get a montage of every stupid thing Kasey ever said on the show…

Justin “Rated R” swoops in for some quick camera time by telling Kasey he talks like a frog. Then Kasey cries some more about having a speech impediment and OH MY GOSH, JUST STOP. I don’t care! I don’t care if you “can’t get back to being happy!” It’s because you date Vienna, ok?! She sucks the happiness out of everything around her! Not unlike the Dementors in Harry Potter!

Next up, we get the Blake/Melissa/Ruin Michael Stagliano’s Life storyline. (Bonus: We get the shot of Melissa angrily stirring her yogurt again. Gets me every time.) Chris asks Melissa if Blake ever confessed to having romantic feelings for her and in return, we see a LOT of stuttering plus one line of, ‘He said our partnership was serendipitous!”

Dear Melissa,

“Serendipitous” does not translate into “I love you with all my heart! Here, kiss me and have my babies foreverrrrrrr!”

Love,
Smart People Everywhere

*Sigh… Despite her claims of reality tv “making” her crazy, we all know the truth. Melissa is a nut job. It has nothing to do with tv cameras being around.

Chris keeps asking Blake all these questions about his relationship with Holly, which he answers like he’s surfing through a Thesaurus, and you can tell it’s leading up to the big announcement. And oh! What’s this? Blake’s proposal to Holly was filmed?! C’mon now, ABC. I love me some Holly Durst (I can’t help it! She’s just so cute!) but even I could not, for one second, think this was genuine.

Why did it need to be filmed?!

Oh, wait. Look at my title. Because apparently ABC wants Michael Stagliano to never be able to love again. No biggie.

Honey Blake and Honey Holly don't care.

(But before you get ahead of yourself, Mike isn’t actually out there when they air the footage so he doesn’t see the proposal which you THINK would be a blessing, right?)

Everyone’s cheering, everyone’s happy, then they bring out Graham, Michelle, Michael and Holly.

Of COURSE, Chris zeroes right in on Mike and Holly.

“So, you’ve heard the news?”

Michael, blissfully unaware at this point, responds with his usual chipper voice, “Oh that Holly’s moving?” (Awkward Moment #3)

Well, yes, Michael, Holly is moving… and she also happens to be ENGAGED TO THE GUY YOU HATE MOST IN THE WORLD! (Awkward Moment #4)

You guys, his face. It was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. The shock, everyone’s just staring at him, waiting for a response, his voice gets all shaky and you can tell he’s got the throat ache, you know, the one where you’re about to cry really hard and you keep swallowing in hopes that it will make it go away but it only makes it worse… and well, I actually shed a tear. (Awkward Moment #5. This one was for me.)

I KNOW.

I’m ashamed of myself. There’s no more room on my shame boat. It has sailed far away and I am its only passenger.

Stag pretty much phones it in the rest of the show and who can blame him? It was horrible. I don’t know what happened or why Holly didn’t think it was a good idea to tell him, oh I don’t know, the DAY she got engaged, but regardless, it was sad. Even if they ARE reality tv people who whore themselves out for fame and money, they have feelings too, guys!

Oh wait?

You guys want to know who won?

Ok, fine. Stag and Holly took in most of the votes and got to split the $250,000. (Yeah, they were SPLITTING the $250,000. Ella, what is wrong with your concept of money???)

"I just broke your heart for the 53rd time on national tv, Michael!"

Holly’s moving to SC with Blake and his dental practice.

Stag’s apparently playing a lot of dodgeball these days. (Yeah, I stalk his twitter occasionally. What of it?) I have a pretty good guess whose face he pictures when lobbing that ball at people.

They also announced the new Bachelor but I didn’t keep the tv on to see who it was because I was still mildly depressed for Stag. But now that BP’s over, what am I going to do with my abundance of smart ass comments, guys? Should we vote? Should I pick up another show to recap every week? I can’t lie, I really liked doing this… And from what I can tell, there is a LOT to be made fun of on the CW each week.

Give me direction! Somebody!

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Emily permalink
    September 16, 2011 9:58 pm

    Finally watched it. Poor, poor Stag. Not only was his heartbroken on national television, he looked ridiculous doing his interviews with his green sequined unitard on.

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