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Bachelor Pad: Smells Like Desperation… And Moping.

September 7, 2011

You guys. THREE nights in a row have I had BP dreams. Three! That’s just not right. These people are worming their way into my brain! Yesterday, as I was roaming the internet in search of some glimmer of hope that my beloved Stag and Holly could somehow be working it out, I stumbled upon this article where it was doing nothing but bashing Holly and you all… I commented. I left a comment defending her.

I hang my head in shame. Not because I don’t like Holly. But because… I took the time out to comment on a ridiculous post and just… just… THANK GOD THE FINALE IS NEXT WEEKEND.

Also, I feel like you guys should know that I spent a good portion of my day last Friday (quit judging me… nobody actually works on Fridays…) scouring the Twitter accounts of the BP housemates.. Then I felt sort of guilty for making so much fun of them… And I get it that producers edit the show for more drama but there are just some things that cannot be edited for entertainment purposes. (Kasey? Vienna? I’m looking at you.) Now, on with the post…

Last week we said goodbye to Cray-Cray Melissa and Bill (or William) who we didn’t even know was on the show until he got voted off. I feel like if he’d been just a tad more sneaky he could have seriously just popped up at the finale all, “WHAT. I win.” But no, peace out, Bill. It’s been real.

This week, there’s more tension with the Holly/Stag/Blake triangle but things are about to get a little more skanky when we get Erica up in the mix… You see, for this is the week that Chris Harrison informs everyone that from here on out it’s a couples game. You couple up, you compete as a couple, you win as a couple. Seeing as how everyone is already coupled up (albeit Holly to Michael begrudgingly after he immediately tells everyone him and Holly are INDEED a couple. “Don’t ask questions. Just believe it.” Those are the thoughts in Michael’s head, I’m guessing…) Blake knows that he’s doomed.

Erica looks around, everyone scatters and then a tumbleweed blows by in the background… And then she zeroes in on Blake and that poor man with his perfect teeth have no choice. He’s coupled with Erica.

The Challenge: “Hey guys, I know things are already pretty awkward for Holly & Michael with the whole Blake thing and well, RATINGS, fellas… Let’s turn things up a notch! And by ‘turn things up a notch’ I really mean ‘Let’s rub salt in Michael’s wound which at this point has yet to be sanitized and is probably contracting the broken heart version of gangrene. Let’s make everyone pretend to be couples and force everyone to predict their mate’s answer to questions like, ‘Who would your mate want to sleep with in the house?’ SCORE.” ~ The Producers of This Week’s Show

So this week we get the Nearly-Wed Game. *Sigh… Holly laughs, Michael hangs his head and knows that it’s pretty much directed at his and Holly’s broken engagement. Everyone sets in their little box where Chris Harrison asks first the girls a set of really questions that really just scream, “Let’s make Michael and Holly feel awful about themselves as people.” Plus, some questions that were just vaguely inappropriate. He does the same for the guys.

Not-Ever-Gonna-Be-Weds

In between all this we get shots of Kasey and Vienna talking about how they’re the GREATEST COUPLE OF ALL TIME (Kanye caps) and that there’s no way they’ll ever lose this game because they’re so in love and… and… and… No amount of editing could make these people look worse. I cannot stand either of you. Vienna’s doing some dance, Kasey still mumbling about something and of course, we allllll know this is just one big case of foreshadowing because well, obviously Kasey and Vienna are going to lose. And oh, do they lose. They  go down in flames with Vienna rolling her eyes, Kasey acting like she’s ridiculous (she is! You are choosing to date this woman! Snap out of it!)

Everyone else does well. Considering, everyone except Holly hates Blake (No. Really. That was everyone’s answer to the question of who they liked the least. I wasn’t just being mean!) That had to sting a little. Michael successfully doesn’t fly over his little wall and strangle Blake to death. Holly doesn’t have a nervous breakdown from all the pressure. I’d call this a win and pack things up to go home… but then, the question is “Who would your partner want to sleep with in the house?”

Blake answers Holly. Erica holds up a card that reads “Holly.”

Michael seethes. (Who can blame him?! It’s ok, Stag… I feel your pain. I’ve felt your pain the past three nights as I’ve dreamed that I’ve done nothing but console you about your breakup and bring you hot cocoa. Why I went with hot cocoa over bourbon is beyond me. So unrealistic.)

Then it’s Holly’s turn to answer. She says… Blake.

Michael holds up a card that reads “MICHAEL.”

I don’t have any words for that… So let’s just move on to the fact that Graham answers that he lost his virginity at SEVEN.

Are we shocked?!

I mean, I wasn’t… But then, we learn it was all a scam and they’d come up with a strategy to win the game. Well done, cheaters.

Graham and Michelle win. Erica and Blake get second place and what do you know?! Second place gets a one-on-one date too… with their partner.  Blake shudders.

The Dates: Graham and Michelle actually have the hots for each other so their date is actually fairly boring… They get to see a screening of some new movie coming out with Anna Faris… At least, that’s what I thought they won but then when they got there it looks like they pretty much got to watch the trailer for that movie on repeat. Way to go, BP. You guys really know how to save some money. I don’t think it mattered because all G & M do is make out in a pool. (I want to know who plans these dates! If I got dressed up to go to a movie screening I wouldn’t want to strip off all my clothes and go for a dip while watching a movie on the side of a building with a terrible sound system.)

(Well. I take that back, if I had the money that bought Michelle her boobs and *I* could buy a set like that then I’d probably just be naked all the time. Which now sounds weird because it sounds like I have the hots for Michelle’s boobs… I should just delete this entire parenthetical.)

ANYWAYS. Michelle + Graham = a lot of making out. That sums up their date.

The next date… not so simple. Because first, we have Holly moping around the house because Blake is going on a date with Erica. Michael is… I don’t know at this point. I’ve lost Stag in the giant hot mess that is the Erica + Blake + Holly + Michael square (rectangle?) I’m going to guess that he’s ALSO moping somewhere in the house but for different reasons.

Blake & Erica get ready to leave with Blake looking like he’s leaving for a funeral and Holly, in one last act of desperation (theme of the night) walks through the kitchen in nothing but a bikini just so Blake can see her. Now, I realize that a ton of sites gave Holly shit for this… I, actually, thought it was hilarious because Blake’s head whipped around. And then he chugged his drink because that was NOT who he was taking on the date. So sorry, my little weasel  friend.

Erica keeps making gross comments about how she hopes Blake puts her in the missionary position at the Mission Hotel and I don’t even think I can recap this part… Erica throws herself all over Blake as he continually turns her down and pines for Holly. (Now you know how it feels!)

Erica practically begs Blake to have sex with her. If she had knee pads she would have gotten on her knees. (Fortunately for Blake she left her kneepads at home – heyy-ohh!) (Or unfortunately. I don’t know anymore. I’m not even sure these people have souls.)

(Except Ella who, while greatly underestimating just how far $250,000 goes with her dreams to buy a home AND build a foundation for battered women, at least has shown that she somewhat resembles a human being by exhibiting an ability to sympathize.)

(Sidenote: We also know that Michael isn’t a robot either. He has feeeeeelings. When did the chance for these people to become robots occur? Just now. In my head.)

ANYWAYS.

Erica thinks they should do it. Blake thinks he’s whored himself out enough at this point. Let’s see, he’s hooked up with Melissa… He hooked up with Holly…  He thinks it’s best if they choose to not do the overnight. (Blake… You are not my favorite but man, good decision, buddy.)

Erica KEEPS insisting. She starts talking about sexy lingerie.  She gets mad and sounds a tad bit psycho when she tells him that she doesn’t like his attitude… And honestly, he wasn’t giving her any attitude. He just didn’t want to sleep with her.

Oh. And there were two roses on the table which Blake and Erica initially thought were meant for them and they got all excited that they’d been saved! But, alas, no. They could save one other couple. Blake wants to strategize. Erica wants to have sex. Still.

(ERICA. QUIT. IT.)

They go back to the house so Blake and Holly can break Michael’s heart into even tinier pieces.

The Drama:Meanwhile, Kasey and Vienna are fighting again because they’re realizing this whole Holy/Blake drama is definitely eating up their camera time so QUICK! Kasey be an asshole! Vienna be ridiculous! And ahhh, all is right in the world of BP.

From what we I could gather, Kasey wanted to get it on with Vienna. She was not in the mood. So, in an act of anger, he jerked his promise ring off her finger. That’ll show her, Kase! Take that promise ring back and show her your 15-year-old maturity level wears the pants in this relationship! They argue. Vienna does the hand slicing thing again, which I guess is her way of making a point. I’m exhausted with these two.

"MA! Vienna won't have sex with me! Tell her she has to! Those are the rules!"

Michael confesses his love to Holly who basically tells him, “Hey, pal, too little too late. You had three months to tell me this and you’re waiting until NOW to tell me? After I started having feelings for another guy? Sorry ’bout it.”

Which… Stag, now, I know you’re reading this (IN MY HEAD HE IS) and don’t get the wrong idea. I still love you (PLATONICALLY, people. I have my own Michael, thankyouverymuch.) but Holly has a point… You broke it off with her last and well, it really sucks but you’re  just going to have to move on, man. Just think of all the women out there who’d be willing to console you and bring you hot cocoa just like in my dream! So, you know, that’s how I feel. That concludes my therapeutic discussion for Stag.

Moping while shirtless... only way to do it in the Bachelor Pad.

Blake and Erica, after minimal discussion, go to Kirk and Ella and are all, “We have two roses that we can save a couple with!”

Then Kasey and Vienna walk in and Blake and Erica are basically all, “SIKE! Vienna and Kasey are getting our roses, suckas!”

Thus giving everyone watching a first hand view of the dumbest strategic move in all of History. I’m even counting Pearl Harbor in this. (While I’m not a history buff, I like to think my numerous viewings of that terrible movie Pear Harbor gives me an accurate view of how stupid the Japanese’s bombing really was. Just… don’t correct me if I’m wrong. I didn’t feel like googling it. It just FEELS like it was a stupid decision on their part.)

The night of the elimination Holly and Blake are curled up by a fire making out, whispering sweet nothings, and who should walk out? Of course it’s Stag. Because most likely some producer was all, “Hey Stag, can you…uh… go grab me a pen OUT BY THAT OUTDOOR FIRE WITH THAT COZY LOOKING COUCH SITTING NEXT TO IT???” Thus leading his heart to break even MORE. At this point, I fear it won’t ever be mended… (Michael, pretend I didn’t write that. You’re gonna be FINE, buddy. Want some hot cocoa??)

Anyways, the elimination is not a surprise at all even though the show wants you to think that possibly Ella and Kirk (who have grown on me!) are going home. (They’re not! Blake is OUT! See ya later, weasel!)

Erica… eh… just bye. Thanks for playing. Your tiara is ridiculous. That is all.

But wait! ABC is going to suck this for all it’s worth and Holly wrote Blake a note and he reads it and well, it was kind of sweet. BUT NO. Even if I like Holly I feel like her decision was swayed by The Dentist. (You all knew Blake was a dentist, right?) So yeah, whatever.

Next week: It’s the FINALE!!!!! Everybody is back which means a boatload of crazy is going to be on my tv for three hours straight!

P.S. LOOK WHAT I FOUND:

Michael wrote a song for Holly and while I am completely opposed to ever being sung TO, I”m not at all opposed for there to be songs WRITTEN for me.  *Sigh… Good ol’ Stag.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. Becca permalink
    September 7, 2011 2:38 pm

    I’m sitting in carline reading this, cracking up of course, and little Cash starts laughing along with me. Thanks again for all the chuckles! As much as I won’t miss the show, I’ll definately miss the hilarity of your recaps!

    • September 7, 2011 4:23 pm

      Maybe I’ll find something else to become obsessed over and haunt me in my dreams, Rebecca…

  2. September 7, 2011 4:22 pm

    I love when other people become creepily obsessed with random pop culture – it makes me feel all normal!

    • September 7, 2011 4:25 pm

      Seriously. My friends make fun of me about how ridiculously obsessed I get with things. Another super weird example? Cloverfield.

      I should be ashamed of myself.

      But I’m not.

  3. Pepper's Mom permalink
    September 7, 2011 6:41 pm

    Love the way you write this blog!

  4. Emily permalink
    September 8, 2011 10:13 pm

    I laughed so hard at Erica… she is ridiculous.

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