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Bachelor Pad: You’re making me care about your feelings, Michael. QUIT IT.

August 31, 2011

I was seriously considering just tossing the whole BP recap idea on ye olde blog. I don’t know… I’m not really a reality tv blog but oh how I enjoy making fun of these people. So, I wasn’t going to do it this week. Then(!!) someone actually left me a comment on Facebook saying they were actually excited for my BP post! What?! More than 2 people read this?! I’m in! And here we are…

Last week we got the weird cut to black scene and we were all “Whaaaa?! What happened?!” because I dunno… We just needed more but alas, Kasey was given the final rose and Jake got the boot. (Were we surprised? No. No, we were not.) I was sort of expecting some sort of major meltdown from The Beave but no. He used his fake robot-like voice to tell everyone simply, “You guys voted off the wrong guy.” (Did they, Jake?! I hate all of you people. There is no WRONG guy to vote off.) We then get a shot of Vienna crying fake Vienna tears and looking upwards like she’s thanking Jesus for sending Jake home. (Let me tell you, Vienna. Jesus wants NO part of this show.)

Kasey on the other hand is continuing to talk about punching Jake in the face for America (yeah, yeah, yeah, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah.) Oh! He does say “kick rocks” like 37 times and it’s at this point where I wonder if Kasey actually know what “kick rocks” means and if so, does he realize repeating it over and over totally makes it lose any sort of cool points? (Did “kick rocks” ever have cool points? I like to think it did before Kasey ruined it for America.)

Back at the house, Vienna thanks everyone for voting Jake off like they did it because they were worried for her safety as well. As per yooj, everyone looks at Vienna with a blank stare and quickly returns to whatever activity they were participating in before.

The Challenge: There’s no use to pretend to guess what the producers of this week show said. There’s no use in pretending these people have any concern for, you know, mouth herpes because we alllll know the truth. They don’t! So that’s why this week we get the Kissing Contest.

I’m going to be upfront: I get incredibly uncomfortable with ANY scenes of intimacy in ANYTHING. I turn red, I duck my head, I pick at my nails… I just don’t like it.

See! Even Chris Harrison looks grossed out!

Hit with a sudden case of morals (otherwise known as “give me more camera time” in the BP house) Kasey and Vienna both say they’re not doing the contest. (Kids, check your pants. They are on FIRE.) Then Michelle Money says that she isn’t going to do it either and why? Because she has a 6-year-old daughter and she doesn’t want her seeing this sort of thing. (But hanging onto another dude with your lady parts pressed to his man parts with only a teeny bikini separating you all is ok? Even when you pretty much had to hump him to get back into position to keep from falling? That was ok? Just checking.) But, you know, props for her for remembering she at one point birthed another human and taking her feelings into consideration.

Ella then says that she 100% IS doing the competition for her son. So, let me get this straight, Michelle is bailing on the contest for her daughter and Ella’s going balls to the wall FOR her son. No judgment, ladies. Just recappin’ over here.

ELLA. Your son doesn't want to see that. I guarantee it.

All the guys seem pretty amped about it but Blake, you take the cake, friend. He looks at the camera and flat out says, “I’m going to perform a tonsillectomy. The doctor. Is. IN.” (Blake, that soap opera called… You’re hired!)

The girls are first up to get kissed and of COURSE Kasey is still in the lineup. And OF COURSE Vienna is too. But hey, thanks for pretending you guys weren’t gross for a second. It’s a tad awkward when nobody wants to kiss Holly because poor little Stag is standing right there. (But! Even Stag didn’t kiss her with any sort of passion! STAG! What are you doing?!) Except wait… Who’s this? Who’s this with the abnormally perfect teeth walking up to the plate and just not giving a shit?! (I wish it was the Honey Badger, but no.) It’s BLAKE. He does the little chin tilt and goes in for the kill.

The rest is your typical gross contest… However, all the girls do point out that Kasey has terrible breath and try to kiss him on the side of his mouth. Vienna hides her eyes like a 5-year-old during this part. I’m just so over these two I’m not even giving them anymore time on my blog. (In this post! Like I could stay away… I can’t quit you guys!) Ella wins. Blake wins. (With his stupid tongue-ing of everyone while everyone else was trying to be, I dunno, respectable, of course he won!)

The Dates: Chris Harrison comes to tell everyone that the dates are one-on-one romantic dates tonight WITH the option to spend the night. Dun dun dunnn! And I know the BP is supposed to be about playing to win a quarter of a million bucks and possibly find love too but let’s be honest, they want the drama and so since Blake won the contest and Blake sort of has the hots for Holly, they put the one-on-one dates into play. But up first, here’s a crazy word from Melissa:

“I know that the competition was supposed to be a competition but when Blake kissed me… I felt it. He was making up to me.” (Or something along those lines but I felt the quotation marks were necessary because I swear it was really close to that.) Melissa said at least 85 times that she was SURE Blake was making up to her and you know, just assumes Blake is going to take her on their date.

So, OF COURSE HE DOESN’T.

But we’ll get to that! First is Ella’s date which is pretty boring (sorry, Ella…) and her and Kirk get to drive in a car and talk in front of a fire on a bearskin rug and eat pizza and drink wine and Kirk is talking about how he wants to win the money so he can pay off his medical bills of almost being murdered by MOLD in college. And even without the follow up of Ella’s really sad story of seeing her mom murdered in cold blood, his story would have still seemed really stupid. It’s hard to make mold sound scary. (I get it. I know it happens but not really the sob story one should go with? I’m a heartless bee-yotch? Either or.) Anyways, they make out. In a voice over we hear Ella say how she would’ve never guess BP to be this romantic. (What game show did she think she was coming on? Survivor? Fear Factor?)

In a brief flash, we see William (who I forgot existed) talk about how sad he is he didn’t try harder in the competition because he really wanted to drive that car… (What? Where did you come from? Have you been here the whole time? Really?)

THEN. It’s Blake’s turn to choose who he wants on his date… Just a little catchup, so far, Melissa thinks he should take her, Princess Erica has been trying to weasel her way in with her floatation device boobs and promises of “massages every night if she is Blake’s partner” (Erica. You flirt like a 15-year-old whore. Quit it.) But Blake has different plans and those plans include not givin’ an eff about Michael Staliano’s feelings.

He asks Holly.

This is the part of the show where Melissa shoots lasers from her eyeballs at Blake and says things like, “This is f***ed up!” Also add in crying fits and saying really overdramatic things like, “I’d rather be alone forever than feel pain like this!!!” I’m guessing Melissa has never so much as have a goldfish die in her life. ALSO: Bitch be CRAZY. She wants Michelle to go yell at Blake. She wants someone to yell at Holly. She talks about how he pinky swore to her! And she did her nails for this date, dammit. Then she’s in the kitchen! Stirring her yogurt with ALL SORTS of fury! And she’s talking some shiz about dictators and resources and OMG I DO NOT CARE FOR ANY MORE OF HER CRAZY, SIR.

Your crazy is showing, Melissa.

Stag is all sorts of pitiful and if we’re being forced to like people on this show I’m down with him 100%. I even like Holly. Holly leaves on her date with Perfect Teeth and they go skiing. (Fingers crossed for losing a tooth in a mild skiing accident!) They seem to have a really good time and look like they’re filming a movie because Holly is skiing in nothing but a tank top, jacket and ski pants. JUST LIKE ALL THOSE PERFECTLY MATCHED PEOPLE IN SKI MOVIES! (Why is temperature NEVER taken into account during these things?!) They chat. Blake then asks if she is interested in staying the night…

Think of the children, Holly! I mean Michael! THINK OF MICHAEL!

Oh Holly…

She does. She says she doesn’t want to go back to the crazy house so soon and if that’s true, I don’t really blame her but let’s be honest, she’s got a tiny crush on Blake and welllll, he is abnormally good looking so… you know. But then they show poor Stag (poor, poor Stag!) and he’s waiting up for her and my heart breaks and then I get angry because Whitney! Stop it! Stop having feelings for these people!

(But I like Michael. He’s who I’m rooting for! I can’t help it!)

Then we cut to Blake making out with Holly… HOLLY. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

The Drama: The next morning we see Michael moping around (and who can blame him? the girl he’s in love with just shacked up with another really hot guy for the night) and people giving him pity. When Holly returns she ‘fesses up to making out with Blake and Stag starts crying. Now, I know I said I couldn’t stand all these people but I felt SO bad for him right then. AND THEN, being the nosy person I am, I looked up to see if they were actually still together after the show and that their love DID blossom and.. and… and *sigh… No, Holly is actually dating BLAKE now which just makes my heart hurt for poor Michael (again. I hate myself.)

He's still making me care in this photo.

Melissa gets the feeling that she’s getting voted out. (As well she should.) People can only handle so much of the crazy and sister-friend, you are OVER YOUR LIMIT. She’s running round like mad begging people to not vote her out and that if they are voting her out then at least tell her. Look, nobody’s going to tell you. This is a game of deceit and lies! If it was all truth then nobody would win and we would be at a standstill and nobody wants that because I can only handle 6 weeks of these people. (Well, 7 since I think that’s how long the season is…)

William realizes his time has come and well, like I said, I didn’t even know he was there about 88% of the time so I can’t say I’ll miss Bill… But when he does his little one-on-one’s with the camera I sense a little bit of logic spewing from Bill’s mouth and I’m all, “What the hell, William?! Where have you been the whole time?!” And then I realized that this is why William never got any camera time… He’s normal. So, we say farewell to Bill. He cries in the limo which I find odd but I guess a quarter of a million dollars can really help a guy out so, you know, I guess I get it.

Melissa cries. (Did I even have to type that???) She leaves. I can see everyone breathe a sigh of relief. She cries so hard in the limo that she turns herself around so that she’s facing the back of her seat and curls into a ball and sob. For her sake, I hope she starts seeing a therapist upon her return.

Next week: They play the Nearly-Wed Game and everyone hates Blake. So, what I’m saying is, YESSSSSS!

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. August 31, 2011 9:54 am

    I have to admit that I look forward to your recaps. Even if I never watch the show. Is that weird?

  2. Becca permalink
    August 31, 2011 12:59 pm

    You just made my day!!!

  3. Emily permalink
    August 31, 2011 10:49 pm

    I’m excited for the nearly wed game!

  4. September 1, 2011 9:24 am

    Frick. Okay, I’ve never even heard “kick rocks” which starkly brings to focus just how un-cool I am.

  5. September 1, 2011 6:30 pm

    I just want to let you know that I started watching the show because of your blog… knowing what happened just makes your recaps that much better.

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