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Bachelor Pad: Don’t Let Trailer Trash & Tattoos Run Your Life, People.

August 24, 2011

I feel like Wednesday is a good day for Bachelor Pad reviews. It’s given everyone ample time to watch it on their dvr in order to fast forward through the terrible commercials that accompany the BP. (Um… I saw the Summer’s Eve one again… Hail to the V… Makes me cringe every time.) Let’s hop to it, shall we?

Forgive me, but I missed the first 10 minutes of the episode because I had Kindergarten orientation. (I know. Blame Evie.) BUT, word on the street is that Melissa gave Holly a harsh whispering-to. Little sad I missed that.

Anyways.

The Challenge: “I’m hungover… Synchronized swimming?” ~ The Producers of THIS Week’s Show.

In one of the most boring challenges in all of time, the contestants have been forced to learn a synchronized swimming routine. Does that sound exciting to you? No. It doesn’t. And you’re right! It WASN’T. I believe this was all just a ploy to get the men in their Speedos, but let’s be honest, I think any man in Speedos looks awkward. I don’t care how cut up and juiced out you are, if you’re in a Speedo your man parts are all mashed together up front leaving us with a vaguely lumpy view that I feel like most people can do without. Surprisingly enough, the ladies (do these girls qualify as ladies? I don’t think so, really) blow at this challenge. (And probably other things, if we’re being honest… Hey-ohhh!) Jake “The Beave” Pavelka credits his grace to his stint on Dancing With The Stars and Stag, well, I don’t know where he got his moves but he’s got some. The girls, on the other hand, just stand around in bikinis with flowers glued to them in places where one’s nipples might normally be. After their done sucking at their routine, of course. (Bet that’s not the only thing they su- OK, I’ll quit.)

Guys win and while it seems like it’s going to be close call between The Beave and Stagliano, Stagliano is the real winner in the fact that he seems somewhat normal compared to BP standards AND he wins the rose. Go Stag. Woot.

Jake accepts defeat and knows that it’s time to put his nose to the grindstone and rally the Island of Misfit Whore-ish type people. First on his list is Erica (barf) but I’ll get to that in a sec.

For the girls, Michelle Money wins… which was basically saying, “Hey, you sucked the least.” Congrats, Michelle. You’re safe.

The Dates: You know when something happens that you’re so embarrassed for someone else that you have to hide your face in a pillow or whatever other object you can grab? (This was my automatic position every time Michael Scott walked onto the screen in any scene in The Office.) Last night, right before they show Michael choose the three girls for his date there is a scene where Holly whimpers, “I hope he doesn’t pick me…” Oh Stag…

He chooses her.

And for no other reason than just plain ol’ pity, I hide my face in the pillow.

He also chooses Vienna (wtf) and Ella. Does Stag have a game plan? I have no idea if he’s working with some strategy or WHAT but whatever… It is what it is. Their date takes them to the California mountains where they get to ride horses while Vienna complains nonstop. Doesn’t that sound lovely?! The perfect atmosphere for romance if you ask me. The girl does not shut up from the time she sets her ass on the horse until they come to some picnic table at the top of the mountain. By that time we have heard Vienna say how hot, smelly and miserable she is about 48 times. Michael sees no reason to drag this out and quickly pulls Holly away to give her the rose. I’m certain this is simply to escape Vienna’s incessant whining. Or maybe her crazy eyes. I don’t know.

They repeat the exact same conversation they had last week. We all get bored.

But then! THEN the Rock of Love bus pulls up. (Actually, it was probably just Brett Michael’s tour bus but that man will always be associated with Rock of Love…) Brett himself steps out with the requisite headband to cover up his ever-growing bald spot and invites the couple onto the bus where he serenades them with “Every Rose…”

OF COURSE HE DOES.

I hide my face in the pillow (AGAIN.) And for the record, there is nothing that will make me reach for a pillow faster than a personal serenade. I don’t care if you are the greatest singer of all time, I shudder at the thought of being sang to.

This was only after he made a comment about them being a happy couple and Michael and Holly just giving him the deer in headlights before they explain their stupid situation. Phew! Glad this date is over because I’m suffocating in the pillow at this point.

Then we have Michelle’s date. (Which actually came BEFORE Michael’s date, I think… but whatever.) She chooses Kasey, (what in the hell?! I’m convinced this guy has magic powers…) Blake, and Graham. (Who?! I know. Me too.) Kasey is his usual, incredibly annoying self. Blake just sits there not saying much until Michelle pulls him aside and warns him of the danger he is in.

What danger?

Oh just a little thing called MELISSA.

She’s still on this kick where she feels betrayed by Blake because he’s flirting with Holly and I don’t know… CRAZY. All there is to that one.

Michelle tells him to get it together or he’s on the chopping block. Then she pulls Graham aside and confesses her ongoing love for him… which is new to everyone watching the show because the only time we ever see Michelle is when she’s flanking Vienna. Graham gets the rose.

The Drama: Meanwhile, back on the ranch… Well, technically not “meanwhile” but I really wanted to use that term. Back at the ranch Kasey and Vienna are starting to crack under the pressure of their craziness. Kasey’s mad Vienna’s being cordial to Jake. Vienna starts crying and whipping her hand through the air exclaiming that Kasey isn’t PROTECTING HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For the love of all things holy, what the hell is he protecting her from?! There are 8 million people around and while, yes, they’ve made it clear to the entire nation (or just us sad, sad, people who continue to watch this show) that Jake has somehow abused Vienna. Kasey, however, thinks a year is plenty of time to get over being beaten by a former lover and basically tells Vienna she needs to shape up.

Then he actually says something awesome and asks her if she’s wants another public breakup on tv.

I chuckled and then I threw up because of Kasey’s stupid “Jenius” tshirt. Kase, it’s only funny if it’s ironic.. and on you, it’s not ironic.

They make up. (Gross.) He invites Vienna on a “date” to the back yard. (Gay.) They talk and Vienna is staring in two different directions as per usual but then! Dun dun dunnn… After all that talk about Vienna being a crazy famewhore psycho bitch, he pulls out a ring box. Now, if you were dating the supposed “love of your life…” The one you’ve chosen to “guard and protect your heart…” Wouldn’t you be a little giddy at the thought of making it official? Even if you’d only been dating for six months if this was the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE like you had previously claimed, would your first words be, “Don’t let it be an engagement ring…” No? Well, then congratulations. You’re not Vienna. (That in itself is a huge compliment. Be thankful.) Kasey is infuriated by her statement and explains, “I was just trying to have a moment! Why can’t you let me have a moment?!”

Because a promise ring at the age of 27 is what every girl dreams of getting, Kasey… That’s why she can’t let you have your moment.

Then for the 3rd time in the night, I hide my face in the pillow because Kasey decides to serenade Vienna with a terrible song with terrible lyrics with his terrible voice.

Jake is still rallying the troops. And by “rallying the troops” I mean he’s making out with ERICA. (Barf.) He does say something along the lines of “I’ve gotta do what I’ve gotta do…” so at least he’s not genuinely attracted to someone who wears a tiara in her hair with giant hooters. She continues to boast that they’re real and I just want to be all, “Honey, of course they’re real… They’re practically to your knees at this point.” But I don’t because I’m not mean like that and also, she wouldn’t hear me. But then she sees Jake talking to Melissa so, of course, the only logical thing to do is spy on them Scooby Doo style. Repeatedly.

Erica tells everyone Melissa is scheming with Jake. (Erica! Have you not seen the batshit crazy?! You are putting your very life in danger by doing this!) Melissa finds out and goes nuts. Everyone basically tells her, “Look, you got a case of the cray-cray and you need to hit the road.”

*Cue dramatic packing scene…

But wait… if she leaves the show she won’t get any more air time and well, nobody wants that, do they?! So she pretties herself up, Erica manipulates her way through a fake-ass apology and the two crazies join together to rally the troops in Jake’s defense.

We all know the producers are sitting behind the scenes trying to think of ways they can keep Vienna, Kasey and Jake all on the show for another episode. And it’s close! I mean, Erica’s banging her glass gavel around like a boss! And she even makes a point about how people are letting trailer trash and tattooed people run their life! I mean, the lesser of two evils seem to be making some progress!

Melissa’s talking to Blake and those other two guys I forget are even there! There’s a shot for Jake to keep on keeping on for one more round! But no. Unfortunately, the well has run dry. We focus in on Chris Harrison getting ready to deliver the final blow and… KASEY.

Jake’s out.

Immediate cut to black leaving my phone to blow up with texts of “WHAT HAPPENED?!” Because I am the Know All of Bachelor Pad, folks.

Next week: It’s the Bachelor Pad kissing contest. Otherwise known as “The Year Herpes Becomes Airborne.” I vomit. Again.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 25, 2011 3:08 pm

    It ended so weird. Pissed me off. Wonder why they did that…Kasey has gots to go. If I have to hear him serenade sausage girl one more time I’m going to break my tv. Ugh that frog voice!

  2. August 29, 2011 10:59 am

    Did you know Every Rose Has Its Thorn was written about a stripper who broke Bret Michael’s heart?

    Somehow I feel that was appropriate for the situation.

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