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Bachelor Pad: Is it a Fivehead or Fetal Alcohol Syndrome?

August 18, 2011

Don’t even act like you’re not excited for my recap of the crazy on Monday’s episode. I know Amanda is. And I know it’s already Thursday and I should really step up my game if I’m going to review this show on the reg but look, my kid started kindergarten:

Before you even think it, I know that I have my Fourth of July wreath STILL on the door. I haven’t found one to replace it yet! Also, can you stand how cute she is in her uniform?! Because I cannot.

Ok, back to what we were talking about that is not innocent and adorable and cute like my child, Bachelor Pad. This post will contain spoilers and if you’re not ok with that, I say, what the hell, friend? It’s Thursday. There is no excuse for you not knowing the outcome of this week’s 2 hour train wreck.

So remember how last week Jake, being his typical Leave It To Beaver self, offered Vienna the rose in hopes that this would somehow make her forgive him? Stop badmouthing him to everyone in the house? I don’t know what he wanted her to do. I have no idea what he was going for. Besides just being stupid. I mean, he’s got that down pat. Well, all of that is still going on this week where Jake is hoping that for some reason Vienna and Kasey are going to act like decent human beings and stop implying that Jake is a maniacal woman beater. (Oh Jakey… They’re not. And you just continue to look like a douche.)

"Not the backhand again, Jake!!!!"

The Challenge: “Hey guys! I know! Let’s line all the girls up with blindfolds on sort of like a mass execution but in bikinis so, you know, it’s sexy! I bet Hitler never thought about putting the girls in bikinis before murdering them. And then! Then we’ll have the guys come out one at a time and ask them questions like, ‘Who is the least attractive person in the house?’ and then – wait for it, because this is the kicker, fellas – we have the guys throw eggs at the girl he chooses for his answer! It’s brilliant! And not at all emotionally scarring!” ~ The producers of this week’s show

Ready! Aim! Destroy all traces of confidence and self esteem!

Whoever hit the most people with their eggs won the challenge. Jake got pelted by almost every girl save maybe Gia. I couldn’t really tell. To be honest, all these guys look the same, blonde, juiced up, hair gel crunch… Erica was this week’s big loser in the emotional category as every. single. guy pegged her for the “least attractive,” including Michael, who winged the egg like he was in a pitching booth. I would feel bad but she walks around with a tiara. (A TIARA, FOR PETE’S SAKE.) Plus, her reason for being upset was because Ella is so totally like bigger than her… AND what? Erica, nooooooo. Not a one of these people have even the tiniest redeeming quality! Well done, ABC!

Vienna Sausage got an egg to the back for “person who would most likely cheat on you in a relationship” from none other than Jake. You could see a little bit of anger in that throw if you ask me… ANYWAYS, this week’s winners were Michael and Melissa.

The Dates: Michael was given a chance to take 3 ladies (Michelle, Holli, and Erica because he felt bad for throwing a 80mph fast pitch at her back) to the Linda Vista haunted hospital. Because that’s romantic! Oooh! Tuberculosis ghosts and whatnot! Let’s do it right here on this old, rusty hospital bed!

Instead, Mikey and Holli got up on the roof and cried and cried about how they were once perfect and that they still love each other and that it could be perfect if they got back together but no, they’re going to choose to stay apart and stay miserable. Makes for better TV.

Cry for the camera, monkey! Cry!

Melissa… Oh cra-cra Melissa… She got to take 3 guys on a date on a yacht in the middle of  the ocean. She picked Blake, Kasey and Kirk… I think it was Kirk…I could be wrong but let’s be honest, if I don’t remember it’s not important. Anyways, before asking Kasey to go she sat him down for a little convo of the “You keep me safe. I’ll keep you safe” variety. MELISSA. He’s dating Vienna! Are you going to come before Vienna?! NO. STUPID. But! Sneaky, sneaky Melissa realized she could get a little action from Blake if she played her cards right and oh did she ever! But not really because Blake’s all, “Eh… I don’t think she’s hot at all but I might get the rose and I’ve had a few drinks so hey-oh!!!” And then they had sex. On a yacht. As Kasey and Random Other Guy Who I Think Was Kirk puttered away on a little boat.

"I'm not crazy NOR do I have an unnaturally red face! WHEEEE!"

The Drama: Jake once again goes to Vienna and Kasey and asks for help. (WHY, JAKE?! WHYYYYY?) Kasey calls himself “a godfather” and continues to insist that he runs this game. He tells Jake off and repeatedly asks him, “Do you think you deserve to be here?!” Kasey, what do you mean? Which of you upstanding citizens deserves to be there?? Oh I know! None.

Then we get a flash to Kasey talking to the camera where he tells the world he’s going to punch Jake in the face for America, flexes his gay wrist tattoo and says, “See it? See that heart pumping… Throbbing… It’s go time. Are you ready?” I am embarrassed for him. He is the Spencer Pratt of BP… I hate him so much I love him.

Contemplating another tattoo, probably. "Vienna 4 EVER" Marky-Mark style on his chest should work nicely.

As they sit down for Chris Harrison to tell them when they can go vote and Kasey loudly proclaims that things are going to get a lot less awkward because it’s so obvious Jake is going home, Chris asks Vienna why it’s so awkward to be here with an ex-fiance when clearly, Michael and Holly are handling everything just fine. (Here’s a clue, Chris: Holly and Michael are still banging.) Vienna morphs into her actress mode and then decides to step up on a pedestal and let everyone know how unfair it is that the Bachelor Pad is forcing her to be around her ex-fiance and that it wasn’t fair when they put them on tv for their breakup special and it wasn’t fair now. Chris, being the only sane person within a 10 mile radius, put the kabosh on her babbling real quick. He pretty much told her no one was “forcing” her to be anywhere. She stuttered. He told her there were two doors and she could walk out either one. She stuttered some more. Then he offered to call her a cab. She stopped talking completely and accepted defeat.

Then Chris pulls out the twist: Two people are still going home. Both those people are girls. (Translation: Jake and Vienna are causing entirely too much drama for him to get the boot this early in the season.) Vienna demands that everyone refuse to vote because this is cheating.

Everyone blankly stares at Vienna and goes back to deciding who they need to kick out.

Kasey walks around basically telling people who’s going home, when which person will go home. Gia flips out when she finds out her “friend,” Graham, has betrayed her by going to Kasey and telling him Gia’s gunning for him. (Why is everyone so loyal to Krazy Kasey?!) Gia then suddenly develops some morals and stalks out of the house for good with only the memory of her weirdly pronounced R’s in her wake. Goodbye Gia… We shall miss you.

So, caught that? Two girls are supposed to go home, Gia develops moralitis and hits the road, leaving one spot open for another girl. Unfortunately, it’s Jackie who gets this boot.

But wait, what is this? Fivehead’s fallen in love with Jackie? Fivehead can’t live without her? Fivehead can’t continue the show without her?!

Fivehead. Maybe even a Sixhead. I swear it keeps getting bigger every week.

Correct.

Fivehead bounces away in his red pants and climbs into the limo with Jackie and they drive off into the night.

Next week: Jake makes out with Erica. I vomit uncontrollably.

Stay tuned!

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Emily permalink
    August 18, 2011 5:17 pm

    Dang, this does sound like a good one!

  2. August 18, 2011 6:02 pm

    Oh how I love your BP updates 🙂
    Thanks for tagging me because I’m not ashamed to admit that this show is my guilty pleasure. I was stoked that Jake got to stay because the more juicy drama the better. I’m also glad Ella stayed. I really like her. Also, the Romeo Juliet/Jackie Fivehead thing may or may not have made me tear up…just sayin’. Next week I pray Vienna Sausage gets what she deserves and gets the boot. One can only hope right?

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