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Bachelor Pad 2: Where Dignity Goes To Die

August 9, 2011

It’s becoming a running theme around here with my terrible television shows. I am well aware. (Also: This post is incredibly wordy when it starts out but slows down towards the end in case you were frightened by the fact that this seems like a book…) AND! There are spoilers in this so… you know, be careful.

Anyways, let’s meet the cast.

1. Gia

The Scoop:This isn’t Gia’s first time around the Bachelor Pad block. She’s coming back for a second serving of… I’m just going to quit with my attempts to be clever. Gia got dissed by Jake in Season 14 when she lost out to Vienna for Jake’s heart. THEN she hooked up with this guy named Wes who sang a lot on BP1 and she referred to him as the “modern-day Shakespeare.” I’m pretty sure he rhymed stuff like “heart” and “start.” You know, stuff Evie could do. Then, sneaky little Vienna comes along and hooks up with Wes on the side! Oh no she di’nt! She did. So Gia will tell every camera within a mile that she’s there for a 2nd chance at love.

YO, she a liar.

She’s there to get her revenge. Keep an eye out for her crazy. You’ll see it.

Defining Characteristic: The way she pronounces her R’s. I can’t explain it. Weirdest thing ever.

2. Justin “Rated-R”

The Scoop:I reserve a special amount of hatred for people who make up their own nicknames. This guy just skyrocketed to the top of my list. As much as I love BP, I have probably only seen like 2 seasons of The Bachelor and/or Bachelorette. From what I can tell, this guy showed up for Ali Fedowtsky’s season and forgot to mention he had a girlfriend. Then he tried to act all hard when Ali kicked him out. However, his fatal flaw was the fact that at the time he was sporting a walking boot. Sorry, chief. Nobody looks tough in a walking boot.

Distinguishing Characteristic: I couldn’t get past my blind hatred for him and his stupid nickname so I’m just going with douchebag in general.

3. Holly

The Scoop –Eh, don’t know what season she was on, but I DO know that she later hooked up with another contestant from another season named Michael (he’ll be on down the list) and then they got engaged. Unfortunately for Holly, she got cold feet broke off the engagement and now is alone, single and sits on her bed poring over the scrapbooks she made when her and Michael were together.

Defining Characteristic: I kept getting really confused in the flashbacks of Holly because she had platinum blonde hair during her season so when they’d show a flashback I’d be like, “Wait! Who is this?!” Then I came to my senses and remembered the invention of hair dye. BUT I would say her defining characteristic is her shadiness in general. Her ex-fiancee who she’s supposedly all tore up about is on the show and the only thing she keeps saying during the 1st episode is, “I hope Michael doesn’t show up so I can flirt with other guys! TEEHEE!” Wait a sec… Weren’t you just crying over the fact that you’re not over Michael? Please make up your mind, ma’am.  Plus, she’s aligning herself with Vienna… Instant dislike.

4. Graham

The Scoop: They showed Graham for all of 2 minutes last night. I do know that one girl really had the hots for him and I couldn’t figure out why… Not much of a scoop. Gimme time to watch more of the show, people!

Defining Characteristic: Pretty sure this is the guy that I kept referring to as Teeth because, well, his teeth were humongous and distracting.

5. Vienna

The Scoop: The hatred… It returned the second I saw her giant nose lead her out of the car. I DID watch her season with Jake and I wasn’t sure I could have hated a contestant more. And she WON. Which was gross in itself but then Jake went on Dancing With The Stars and apparently things fell apart because they broke off their engagement. Obviously, the classiest thing to do was then have a special on ABC about their break-up where Jake came off as kind of an asshole… So now, Vienna is back and the entire time she sits there and literally shakes because she’s “terrified” of Jake showing up in the BP house. Except nobody asks her WHY she’s terrified of a man who uses phrases not unlike the Beave would have in his arsenal of wholesome goodness. Gia immediately sidles up to Jake because she hates Vienna. Vienna hides behind her nose.

Distinguishing Characteristic: Despite being a raving lunatic (seriously, I bet this girl is no stranger to murdering family pets to prove a point) people still befriend her! What the hell? Why doesn’t everyone see the giant flashing sign above her head that says “I AM CRAZY.” Ah well…

Bonus: This post is ENTIRELY too long as it is BUT I cannot leave out the fact that in the 1st episode you see Vienna and Kasey getting it on in this grainy black and white security camera while Vienna’s doing this voice over about how she’s going to destroy Jake and well, it actually frightened me and I fear for Jake’s life.

6. Kasey

The Scoop: This is the guy who got a heart tattooed on his wrist when he was vying for Ali’s love and attention. I mean, he’s on a show with 20 other guys so the most reasonable thing to do for a girl you’re not sure you’re going to end up with is to get a tattoo that will last forever. Guys, he got it to show her he would love and protect her forever. When that didn’t work out, he started dating Vienna Sausage (I could NOT stop myself from typing that. It just came out and now it makes me laugh so it’s staying. She is not fat at all, by the way.) so now, he loves and protects HER heart.

Defining Characteristic: Not so much a characteristic, but I will forever know him as the guy who said he was going to punch Jake in the face “for America.” YEAH! If you don’t hate Jake, the terrorists win!

7.  Alli

The Scoop: Not one clue! And I never will! She got voted out. Sorry, Alli. (Not really. I don’t feel sorry for any of these people.)

Defining Characteristic: I didn’t get a chance to find one.

8. Michael

The Scoop: He’s the guy who was engaged to Holly. He seems like an ok guy. I doubt he’ll last long because well, nice guys finish last and get voted off first.

Defining Characteristic: I’m PREDICTING his defining characteristic will be the fact that he pines over Holly.

9. Erica

The Scoop: You know those people that try out for American Idol but do so in these ridiculous costumes and terrible voices and really just want a little camera time? This is their equivalent. She acts like a “princess” and says things like, “What do you MEAN I have to clean my own room? Where are the maids?” Um, bitch, please. You knew there weren’t going to be any maids on this show. Get out of here with that nonsense.

Defining Characteristic: She’s 28 and wears a tiara. Barf.

10. Jake

The Scoop: Jake, Jake, Jake… You chose Vienna to marry. VIENNA. Anyways, refer to Vienna’s story although, I will include that Jake DID yell at Vienna on their breakup special and now the guy is hard up for any money, apparently, because I’ve seen him on about 32 different reality tv shows recently, including Vh1’s “Famous Food” with that prostitute, Ashley Dupre.  (No, really, she was a prostitute. I wasn’t just being hateful there.)

Defining Characteristic: He talks like he’s The Beave from Leave It To Beaver. “Hey guys, it sure is glad to meet ya! Things are just swell my way!” WTF, Jake? You’re weirding me out…

11.Ella

The Scoop: From Tennessee, single mom, seems sweet and normal, won’t last long.

Distinguishing Characteristic: Do you all watch “Teen Mom?” Because if Maci ever wants to see what she’s going to look like in 10 years, she can just watch this show.

12. Jackie

The Scoop: Never laid on this girl until last night but she did win the competition with Jake and got immunity. (Immunity like Survivor. My reality tv is colliding…) She seems alright.

Distinguishing Characteristic: None… yet.

13. Michelle

The Scoop: What else do you need to know besides that apparently (I looked it up) Michelle was batshit crazy on her season? Plus, she says her name is Michelle Money and while it’s completely possible that’s her last name I am highly skeptical. She’s a troublemaker and I’m not kidding when I say I hear the Jaws theme in my head every time she pops up on camera.

Defining Characteristic: Her eyes… Black, like a doll’s eyes… (Somebody gets that reference, right?)

14. Kirk

The Scoop: Just seems like your average Bachelorette contestant to me… So, that probably means he’s murdered an entire family and buried them in his back yard. Either way, I don’t know anything about the guy.

Defining Characteristic: Well, none, because as I was searching out pictures for this post I had no recollection of ever seeing his face or hearing his name last night.

15. Melissa

The Scoop: She was pretty invisible the first episode, but in the previews for the season, there were several shots of her crying her eyes out and then a shot of someone else calling her crazy. So, typical emotionally unstable contestant. Just how I like ’em!

Defining Characteristic: Quiet but deadly… for the moment. But there’s a storm a’brewin’…

16. William

The Scoop: He likes plaid. (Look at his picture! Isn’t that enough?)

Defining Characteristic: Plaid. All day. Every day.

17. Blake

The Scoop: According to my extensive research, Blake likes fruity drinks and lounging in model poses while leisurely hanging out by the pool. Ok, look, I don’t know who Blake is either. He’s good looking. That’s all I’ve got. Wait, I take that back… I think someone (maybe Melissa??) gets obsessed with him this season and he gets himself into some drama. I don’t know! These are a bunch of fools trying to win $250,000. OF COURSE HE GETS HIMSELF INTO DRAMA.

Defining Characteristic:None at this moment.

18. Ames

The Scoop: I can think of nothing but that guy named Willie Ames who was once on some television show in the 80s but was more recently seen on something like “Celebrity Rehab” and can only wonder if this is who his parents named him after.

Defining Characteristic: The fivehead.

Episode 1: Vienna cries. Kasey keeps repeating he has to “protect” Vienna. (From what, we’re not sure. As far as I can tell, this is a fairly safe part of town.) Jake and Jackie win the immunity roses in the competition to see who can hang above a bed the longest. Jake makes the dumbest move in BP history and gives an immunity rose to Vienna. Gia says Jake betrayed her just like everyone else in her life. Jake keeps apologizing to Vienna. There’s gritty security camera sex. Alli and Justin (I REFUSE to call him Rated-R) get the boot.

Should we make this a recurring thing? Now that I’ve got the cast out of the way, I can just get down to the nitty gritty right away. Think of the fun we’ll have laughing at other’s expense!

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. August 10, 2011 6:35 pm

    I have a love hate relationship with this show. It sucks me in with it’s drama. I really hope Ella wins even though I know she won’t. I swear if Vienna Sausage wins I will throw something at the tv.

  2. August 11, 2011 4:31 pm

    I like Elle but I don’t think the girl has a chance… I approve of your decision to throw something at your tv should Vienna win.

  3. August 15, 2011 12:30 pm

    On a totally unrelated tv show, have you seen ‘Dance Moms’ on Lifetime? Woah. You must watch it. It is such a train wreck I can’t tear my eyes from it.

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