Robots & The Trouble They Pose
Once upon a time, a million years ago, I rode to school with Sarah’s husband Nick. Parking on UK’s campus was a nightmare and pretty much a battle royale for the best parking passes. I don’t remember what the circumstances were but somehow Nick scored a sweet pass and I must have mooched off him and hitched a ride in his little red truck. Anyways, the point is: I rode to school with Nick and on that 10 minute drive to campus one day I asked him a simple question.
“Nick, what would you do if you found out I was a robot?”
Nick, being a mad scientist* didn’t miss a beat and said, “I’d have to destroy you.”
At the time, I remember being slightly peeved at the fact that my friend so callously told me he’d take no time in taking me out. Just the way things were. Like I imagined he would have a To Do List and it would read something like,
1. Find out Whitney’s a robot.
2. Destroy her accordingly.
3. Dust hands off.
4. Go on with day.
So, back in 2001, I probably hopped out of the truck and was all, “Fine. See ya later, friend,” brooding about it the rest of the day. Now, you would THINK I would have forgotten this story being that it happened over ten years ago, but NO. Every time I hear about a robot or see a cyborg in a movie I always automatically think, “Man, if that was me, Nick would come along and just put an end to my existence…”
And then, the other day, Christina posted this on my Facebook wall:
Dammit. Nick totally knew what he was talking about.
*Nick is not really a mad scientist. He is, however, a scientist, so I like to imagine him being of the Doc Brown variety.
Hey guys, maybe we can NOT set couches on fire this year.
The state of Kentucky is pretty much going to shut down tomorrow. I tried to reign in my excitement and keep it bottled up until tomorrow but I just can’t. As I’m sure anyone not living under a rock knows, one of the Final Four games is played tomorrow. To us, the most important one because, well… we have two teams going from Kentucky and the other team just happens to be the team we hate the most. (Maybe hate’s a strong word… Let’s just go with “our biggest rival.”)
Why would you risk being a UofL fan when working at UK? This is what happens to your car. (That sign says UK's #1 Fan) And yes, I know the vandalism is minimal but I worked with what I had available.
I work at UK and have so far received one email and one video message from the president of the university telling everyone, “Yes, classes are proceeding as usual. And also? Don’t set shit on fire.” He didn’t use those exact words but that’s a pretty good summary. Word on the street is that they’re closing off a lot of streets on campus to allow people to drink alcohol outside of the bars (which I think is basically so they don’t have to issue the entire campus one collective PI) and they’re placing the police in riot gear.
A little overcautious you say?
Do you remember when we won in 1998? Because I do. I was there on campus when it happened. I was only a senior in high school and my mother allowed me to drive (at a very unsafe speed, I’m sure) with a bunch of friends (who were also not even in college yet) down to campus and party in the streets.
Clearly, our parents weren’t really aware of what happens on a college campus when their team wins the NCAA tourney. We made it out alive and without any arrests on our record but that in itself is sort of shocking. Not that we were drinking heavily or acting insane because I’m pretty sure, at most, we sipped on some warm beer that some guy randomly handed us as we pushed our way through the crowds. Emily’s friend Mary caught a bottle to the face when some idiot threw it in the air for no reason. I wasn’t there to witness it because Sarah and I had gotten separated from Emily at some point, but we heard about it later.
We didn’t see the news van flipped over either but we heard about that later too.
We ran up and down the streets that night screaming like this was the greatest thing we’d EVER experienced (and really, at 17, it might have been). We wandered around on campus and hung out with complete strangers who were more than happy to offer us a drink and a place to hang out. Sarah and I ended up in front of the campus library laying on the grass (probably a little buzzed) listening to the entire city of Lexington celebrate something that had seriously JUST happened two years prior, but still! Everyone was JUST as excited this time. That’s why it’s fun to be a UK fan. We get into some basketball.
Of course, there’s always the few people who take it too far. (See: Morons who throw beer bottles as high as they can in the air in a massive crowd.)
I feel like these past events and possibly the fact that someone set a couch on fire last weekend when we beat Baylor (THAT WAS THE ELITE EIGHT, PEOPLE. CALM DOWN) is what prompted President Capilouto to send out these emails to every single student, staff member and faculty member at the University of Kentucky telling people just to not lose their shit. And like Sarah said, “I’m sure he’s TERRIFIED we’re going to be on the national news for burning Lexington to the ground during his first year as president.” Wouldn’t be good press, I agree.
I don’t really get why people set shit on fire. What purpose does it serve?! Other than a fire hazard… (I sound like such an old lady but it’s true!) Aside from the streets closing and the police in riot gear I heard that they’re also sending Kentucky State Police out to one of our local bridges to keep an eye out for jumpers if we lose and THAT right there is where… I just can’t.
Can we not just celebrate a win and appropriately mourn a loss?! Why do we have to be jumping off bridges? It’s NOT that serious, folks.
So tomorrow, I’ll be on campus to watch the game. Mike and I are getting dropped off because we don’t want our car destroyed and/or possibly set on fire. So, yes, I’m having my mom drop us off (nerds) and then we’ll take a cab home. I’ll be going crazy if we win. I won’t, however, be setting anything on fire, turning over vehicles of any sort and will immediately obey anything an officer dressed in riot gear tells me to do because I’m a good citizen.
I’m also not an idiot.
*And if you don’t really get how crazy it got in 1998, just take a look right here… Also, MOM. SERIOUSLY.
I Saw The Hunger Games On Opening Night and Survived!
So, I know what you’re thinking. Who disappears for months and then shows up to write about how awesome they are because they saw The Hunger Games on opening night? ME. That’s who. Well, not necessarily how awesome *I* am but more so just a general review of the movies because, guys, guess what! It totally didn’t suck! I mean, the book was better but when is the book NOT better than the movie? The answer to that question is never. Also, the other answer to another question asked tonight is, NO, this movie is not about an Ethiopian bobsled team. (Don’t ask. Just know that was what Mike insisted on telling me that’s what the movie was about.)
Let me start out by saying that I LOVED the book. However, I actually had high hopes for the movie because I’m a dreamer, ok? A DREAMER. But this time, I wasn’t disappointed. Well, not all that much. How about a list of pros and cons? (SPOILERS LIE AHEAD. If you haven’t read the book or seen the movie, leave now.)
WHAT I LOVED:
Katniss Everdeen: I should probably say Jennifer Lawrence but you get my point. I was worried we wouldn’t really get an idea of exactly how Katniss was feeling throughout the movies. With the book, we’re constantly stuck inside her head and we know every possible thing about her feelings in the moment. Plus, Katniss is kind of an asshole in the books. I mean, she sort of has a right to be but I distinctly remember thinking while reading the books, “GIVE IT A REST, BEEYA.” But Jennifer Lawrence? She’s downright likable!
Haymitch Abernathy: I never really liked Haymitch in the books. Sure he got Katniss and Peeta what they needed when it came down to it, but that was just it! He never went beyond the call of duty and look, pal the kids are MURDERING EACH OTHER. Give them a little glimmer of hope! In the movie? He’s really only annoying for about ten minutes but then he’s pretty obvious about caring for the kids. It even shows him going out and campaigning for Katniss so she can get her burn salve. Plus, I’m a big Woody Harrelson fan.
Peeta Mellark: So… yeah, I could’ve just said “The Main Characters” and grouped these all together but I didn’t… and nobody said this was going to be a short post (because it’s not.) Everyone was throwing SUCH a fit over Josh Hutcherson playing Peeta with cries of outrage, “He’s not right!’ “That’s not Peeta!” and then people took to the streets with pitchforks and torches and there was MASS CHAOS! Or not really. But there was a general grumbling of the internets and I was sorta like, “Meh… I liked him in that one movie about playing that board game and going to space.” But he really turned it around. Well, minus that first ten minutes where he seriously made the stupidest face I’ve ever seen and I was all, “OH PEETA. I HATE YOU.” But he quit! And he was so sweet with Katniss! And I loved him… and well, I’m now Team Peeta. (Not that I ever wasn’t. That just seemed dramatic so I said it.)
The Lack of Muttations: Sarah and I were concerned about the mutts. How would they do it? If it’s PG-13 how are they going to make them as terrifying as they need to be?? Also, how are they going to make them look like the tributes but also terrifying?? Turns out, they didn’t need to. You know how in Jaws you didn’t really see the shark but you still knew it was there so it was still scary? That’s SORT OF like what they did here. But it was more along the lines of, we’re not showing you too much because that would be ridiculous and ruin the movie. Good call, Gary Ross. Good call.
The Extra: They didn’t cut a lot from the movie and they didn’t add a ton either, but what they did add? It was great! I was impressed! I won’t tell you but I feel like it helped people who had never read the books. That was one of my concerns with the movie. That book has a lot going on in it so I wasn’t sure how that would translate onto screen but it honestly did a great job. I mean, there could’ve been more along the lines of how close Katniss and Peeta got or even how precious her relationship with Gale and Prim were but they were working with a limited amount of time so I understand. Mike has not read the books and when we left I looked at him and said, “So, did you understand it?” to which he promptly replied, “Do you think I’m a moron?” Got it.
WHAT I DIDN’T LOVE:
That Lack Of Violence: I know that sounds terrible and not like I love a super gory movie, because I don’t, but come on, Mr. Ross. I feel like the games could have been a lot more nerve wracking if he didn’t resort to quick cutaways and just the vague reference to something terrible going on right off screen. I don’t know… Wasn’t The Grudge PG-13? It was still terrifying… (Don’t get me started on the PG-13 rating anyways… Or the abundance of ten-twelve year olds watching the movie with their parents in the theater. Hey, morons, this is a movie about teens murdering one another in the most brutal of ways. Think this is something your ten year old littler girl needs to see?)
The Arena: I was really excited to see the arena for the games. The way it was described in the book was pretty much a forest but there were so many interesting creatures and plants… I was just hoping for more. The Tracker Jackers were pretty puny… the Groosling was never seen alive… and I DON’T KNOW. I did have high expectations for this and well, boooooo.
The Tributes: Obviously we got to know the tributes a little better in the book, but I didn’t really connect to any of them all that well (besides Katniss and Peeta) so I sort of just felt blah when they were killed. I was a LITTLE sad when Rue bit the dust but it wasn’t NEARLY as sad as when I read it in the book. Me reading Rue’s death involved tears running down my face. Me seeing Rue’s death on the big screen involved me looking at Michael and giving a shrug that sort of said, “Yeah, you win some, you lose some.”
Overall, I really enjoyed the movie. All two and a half hours of it. I had forgotten how much I hate going to opening night movies though… I don’t like my arm touching the stranger’s next to me! I can’t stand noisy candy openers! Loud soda slurpers! There’s a menagerie of people I dislike in a movie theater. The girls behind me that insisted on announcing what was going to happen two minutes before it actually did had me clenching my jaw. The girl walking out who said, “That movie was TOTES AWESOME!” had me clenching my fists. But I guess that’s the price you pay for insisting on seeing the most popular movie out right now on opening night…
Annnnd… You’re In!
What? What’s this? Is this me following through on a promise I made about posting? IT IS! I know. I can’t believe it either. But here we are so let’s enjoy this once in a lifetime moment.
Yesterday, I was telling everyone the shows that got cut from my To-Watch List. Sad, but true; several shows that I once enjoyed had lost their luster and decisions had to be made. Hard decisions, people. (Except for Glee. That was a long time coming.) Anyways, now let’s take a look at what IS crowding my DVR.
IN:
New Girl: This show had me from the re-enactment of Dirty Dancing that they did in the first episode. Zooey Deschanel is hilarious and odd and just endearing. Plus, she reminds me SO much of my friend Becky. (Yes, I did say she was odd but totally in a good way. Like I said. You know, endearing.) It’s quickly moving up my list of favorites. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not 30 Rock but Michael likes it too so that makes it easier. New Girl, don’t screw things up.
Suburgatory: Ah! I am in love with Jane Levy, the actress who plays the main character in this show. PLUS. It has Elton! You know, Elton from Clueless! Except now he’s old enough to be the father of a teenager so that makes me feel super old, but still! Elton! So Tessa (Levy) moves with her single dad from the city to the suburbs and is faced with the harsh reality of suburban life. (I know, it’s the age-old tale of fish out of water, but I promise it’s worth a watch.) Mike isn’t as big of a fan but it’s not like he runs out of the room when it comes on. (Although he DID delete it once because UK was getting ready to play and instead of just switching the receiver to the other DVR, he decided it would be easier to just cancel the recording. And it was the Halloween episode! Which I’m sure was hilarious! Oh yes, he heard about my feelings. My angry, angry feelings.)
Mad Men: Look, I get it. I haven’t shut up about Mad Men in any of my posts lately. I’m aware! However, Michael is just as obsessed with it so it’s by FAR the show we watch the most right now. And! Did you guys know that I was unaware that the new season hasn’t started yet?? Because I wasn’t! I was actually trying to reign in our obsession just to stretch out the time we had with all our favorite chain smokers because I thought the current season was too far gone and I would have to wait for it to hit Netflix. NOT SO. It doesn’t start until March 25th! So basically what I’m saying is that Sunday nights are officially booked come the end of March! Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em!
So, tell me. Am I missing anything? Obviously we watch way more shows than this but the rest are my regular trashy, reality tv lineup and the regulars like The Office, 30 Rock, The Walking Dead, Community, etc. Seriously, there has to be some show out there that is going to be the next big thing and I’m unaware of it. Because really, I am NEVER on the cutting edge of television!
Making Some Cutbacks
As I reviewed the current DVR schedule I came to grips with an issue I didn’t want to admit was happening, but it’s true. We are overcommitting ourselves to the television. There are just entirely too many things that are crowding up our DVR and last night I took the time and re-evaluated the shows we REALLY want to watch. (I know. We’re just wallowing in the 1% sorrow of it all… Such first world problems we have… Right, Christina?)
OUT
Desperate Housewives: I know. It’s the last season! How could I?? Well, I’ll tell you. You may or may not remember the Great DVR Disaster of 2011, but it involved me accidentally deleting everything on my DVR. This included a ton of DH episodes I had yet to watch. When that happened I gave up recording it for the rest of the season with the intent of renting it or something so I could catch up and watch the final season as it aired. Well, my plans were sidetracked by… I don’t know… other television shows, probably, and I never watched season 6. Even though I kept it on the schedule the episodes were just piling up and last night I deleted them all, plus the timer for the show. Goodbye, ladies. You were fun while you lasted.
Glee: Oh. MY. GOSH. I don’t even know why I pretended to be ok with this show still being on my DVR… I’ve hated it since the second season… I can’t stand Rachel. I can’t stand Kurt. I can’t stand Mercedes. Basically, I hate all the characters, I think the storylines are cheesy and the acting is awful. I kept thinking, “Maybe it’ll get like the first season again…” but one day I was trying to watch it and Mike came in. He took one look as the characters broke out into some ridiculous song and dance and said, “There is no way you’re actually enjoying this…” and he was right! I wasn’t! I was watching it because I felt forced to because it was taking up space on my DVR. I don’t know. It just got to the point that I felt like it was trying too hard and that’s when it lost its magic. You shall not be missed, annoying high school students of McKinley High.
90210: Yes, feel free to judge. I’m a lover of all things 80s (well, this is more 90s, yes…) and I’m of the rare breed of people who actively love remakes of 80s things. I don’t feel like they’re tarnishing the originals. I can’t explain it, really. I just love them. Point is, I got super excited when they announced 90210 was making a comeback so I immediately set the DVR to record all the episodes. I’m not even going to pretend like I didn’t love it from the start. I totally did. But then, life got busy as life is wont to do and it got pushed to the back burner on the stove of Television Shows I Must Watch. Then the episodes started stacking up and before I knew it I had missed like 10 episodes. Once I”m ten episodes behind, there is no going back. So, yes, 90210 got deleted. Farewell, West Bev friends. Don’t OD on cocaine and die after I leave!
Also not making the cut were, Mike’s black and white movies that he claims “help him fall asleep at night.” (Not on my watch, pal. That is precious DVR space you’re wasting!) and Secret Circle. Now, I realize a key part of my problem is the fact that I keep turning to the CW for new shows. I never said I had mature taste in television. I don’t. I’m ok with it.
However, with all this free time I now have the chance to burn through Mad Men on Netflix Streaming. It shall be glorious. Now tomorrow I’ll give you a list of the shows that I’m currently obsessed with and you can judge me some more. Sounds fun, right?
It’s The Lizard Feet At Three In The Morning… Gets Me Every Time.
I am a chicken.
This should not come as a shock to anyone who has ever met me in real life and/or spoken to me for more than five minutes. I’ve always been this way. I blame my older brother and years of being tormented by the timeless, classic prank of “Whitney, DON’T MOVE. It’s right behind you.”
That, of course, only lead me to frantically scream out, “WHAT’S behind me?! Why can’t I move?! IS IT GOING TO EAT ME???” In the meantime, while I’m simultaneously having a massive fear-induced meltdown, my brother is laughing hysterically because, well, there’s nothing behind me. Except my pride. It could probably be seen fleeing the scene of the crime.
Because of this debilitating fear of all things that probably aren’t going to happen to me but there is a .01% chance they could, I have banned most scary movies from my life. I can handle a few slasher flicks and I actually happen to love all the Scream movies, but for the most part, Mike and I live by the No Scary Movies rule. Occasionally, he’ll find one he wants to see and I simply bide my time in the bedroom with the door shut and tv turned up to full volume to avoid having to hear anything remotely terrifying that may or may not scar me for life.
Back in October, however, I was feeling brave. (I tend to do this every so often. Something comes over me and I’m convinced I am no longer a chicken.) October is a month meant for scary movies! It’s pretty much a requirement to watch one during October or you just fail at all things October (and that includes Halloween! Don’t fail at Halloween!) Mike was on this kick where he was only renting movies from the library and while he was there Paranormal Activity caught his eye so he brought it home. Now, I’d hear all the hype about this movie but decided since it was 2:00p on a Sunday, I could handle it. I mean, it was daytime!
We watched it and it really didn’t have a lot in it. There’s a lot cabinet doors opening, a lot of banging around, etc. I really wasn’t bothered by the majority of the movie. In fact, I was thinking, “This is a piece of cake! Maybe I’m not such a chicken after all!” And then… the familiar knot in my stomach formed and there it was. The characters in the film decide to see if there’s any form of physical evidence of whatever is going through their cabinets at night so they dust the floor with flour to see if there are any footprints. The next morning, there are footprints in the flour.
Not human footprints.
Not even paws of some sort.
No.
There are what appears to be some sort of lizard/Velociraptor footprints in the flour.
You may have a velociraptor roaming your halls at night. I suggest a change in location.
I do not know why this is what bothered me from that movie. I mean, at the end the girl becomes possessed and has a completely screwed up face as she heaves her dead husband’s body at the camera… Why didn’t that bother me? ‘Tis a mystery, I admit, but regardless, it was the lizard feet that got me…
I pretended I was fine. I was slightly embarrassed by the fact that this movie had scared me because it really WASN’T scary. So, I did what any mature adult would do, and pretended that it was ridiculous and chuckled right along with Mike about how not scary the movie was.
“So stupid!”
“Can’t believe that movie even got made!”
“WHO would think THAT was scary?? I mean, what’d they do?? Have a giant bird come in and walk through the powder?! Absurd.”
In reality, I knew nightfall was coming and I knew Mike would not be game for leaving every light in the house on. I sucked it up and laid under the covers wide awake and Mike slept peacefully beside me. Every creak in the house convinced me that the lizard thing was coming for me…
Sometimes Mike gets terrible leg cramps at night, so in order to let me get some sleep (or so he thinks) he will sometimes get up and go sleep in the guest room. Little does he know that I wake up THE SECOND the door shuts to the guest room. I try to convince myself that I’m fine. After all, I make Evie sleep in HER bed alone.
Some nights I can do it. I can hold my ground and convince myself that having the bed to myself is actually great! Look at all this room! Wheeee! But then… I start thinking… I look at the clock… 3:07am… 3:11am… 3:23am… And out of NOWHERE, it pops into my head… The lizard feet. Those stupid, stupid lizard feet.
Mike usually wakes up when I sneak into the bedroom and I finally had to admit my problem. “It’s the damn lizard feet, ok!” It was a shameful admission… I, Whitney Fay, am scared of the lizard feet in Paranormal Activity.
And that is the story of how Mike and I now end up sleeping a good portion of our nights in the guest room.
I got sick this past weekend. My minor headache evolved into a fever and sore throat by Friday night, knocking me onto the couch for the majority of the weekend. It wasn’t bad. I got some things done. (And by things done I mean watched an entire season of Mad Men but I call that productive.)
Rocky approved of my decision to not get out of my pajamas for 48 hours straight:
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I dropped a pound today. It might have been water weight. It might have been me taking my calorie intake down. I have no idea what it was but it made my day a teensy bit better. Since I was sick today’s the first weekday in 4 weeks I haven’t gotten up at 5a to do some sort of work out. I’ll have to do it when I get home which sucks, but I’ll manage.
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My brother and his wife are having a baby any day now and since he threatened to never speak to me again if I wasn’t there for the birth I’ve been ready to go at a moment’s notice for the past week. My only request so far was to not have the baby on the 10th because my friend, Erin, is having her birthday party that night and it’ll be fun… I am a selfish aunt/sister/SIL and I’m ok with it.
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We are in the process of planning our 2012 summer vacation. There’s a pretty big group of us (with kids) wanting to go so it’s like figuring out a frickin’ Rubix Cube to get everything all worked out so everyone can go. Throw in my mom being annoyed with me because I’m not going on vacation with her and my grandma and it’s turned into one dramatic, stress-filled issue. My mom’s suggestion is to just let her take Evie for one week to the beach and then Evie can go back to the beach with me. I know she thinks I’m being selfish or possibly just being a brat, but I’m not. I don’t want to be apart from Evie for a week. I worry about Evie when I’m not with her and throw in ten hours of (my mom’s) driving and Evie being in the ocean all week and I’ll be lucky to not overdose on Xanax while the child is gone. SO toss that whole thing in with the fact that my brother and his wife are probably coming on vacation with me and my mom is just a ticking time bomb, ready to explode at any second. Ahhh, welcome to my life.
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Can we go back to my Mad Men obsession? Now, I get it. I’m 5 years late to the party. But still… I am so addicted to this show. I want nothing to do with any other show right now and I’m seriously not lying when I say I burned through all of season one in a little over a day. I have so many questions… When is Betty going to snap?! WHY doesn’t she question Don’s late nights?! Why was everyone hot for Peggy when she first started working at the company? (Because all I could focus on were her terrible, terrible bangs.) Why was Peggy hot for gross Pete Campbell?! Why is Joan such a smug bitch?! I admit, I am way more intrigued by the women in this show and could possible do an entire post on it but I felt like everyone else would be all, “Whitney… step into 2012,” so I did not.
So, from watching Mad Men I’ve learned that a) every single person in the 60s smoked about 2 packs a day. This includes pregnant women and possibly children… b) No one cared if you were married and offices in the 60s, despite not being the least bit soundproof, were the perfect place to carry on your extramarital affairs and finally, c) it was perfectly acceptable to be boozing it up in your office by noon. In fact, it was encouraged.
I plan on bringing a bottle of bourbon in to work sometime this week, with a decanter and glasses, and I will let you all know how it goes.
(You guys should probably start helping me look for jobs…)
Frustrated
I try really hard to complain very little on this blog. If I ever seem like I’m complaining I promise you I’m only doing it for humor’s sake. HOWEVER. I am so very annoyed right now. I’ve been blessed with height and decent genes. I’ve never had to work very hard to stay on the skinnier side although I was never once under the illusion that I would be that lucky forever. I know that having a baby changes things, getting older changes things… I was aware that eventually I’d have to start putting forth some effort.
I lose weight if I’m super stressed or super excited. When Mike and I started dating I had just gotten out of a terrible relationship so combine that with the excitement of dating someone new and I lost a decent amount of weight. You know how that goes. It’s new, it’s exciting, you’re too busy being excited about things to eat. That’s exactly what happened. But then, as things settled down and Mike and I got into a routine, especially with him moving in, there were more home cooked meals every night and less, let’s go out and party when we don’t have Evie. We got comfortable. It happens to the best of us. Both of us gained weight. There were a few attempts at, “Hey, we should maybe try to lose some weight…” but then we’d find a movie on tv we wanted to watch and decided “Oh I know! Let’s make a giant, cheesy pasta dish to go with this movie we’re about to watch!” and that’s how we gained about 20 pounds.
I granted myself some leeway through the holidays because if you’ve ever tasted my grandma’s homemade candy, you would understand that there is no resisting it. You just give in and accept the five pounds per bite you will gain directly to your ass and thighs. But after New Years, we got down to business. Mike’s sister was giving her treadmill away so we gladly told her we’d take it off her hands. It looks hideous but I will take one for the team of Looking Hot for Summer 2012.
I’ve been getting up every day (Monday-Friday) at 5am and running (well… walking briskly because the treadmill skips and you have to hold on with both hands if you want to run so I compromised and cranked up the incline to about 6 or 7 while walking at about 3.5mph.) I went to the grocery and gave our entire kitchen an overhaul with nothing but fresh fruits and vegetables, brown rice, chicken, fish, whole grain, whole wheat. I’ve done INSANELY well about sticking to healthy eating habits with only a minor slip up here and there. (Seriously, it’s happened like twice.)
I’m still really motivated. So much so that I decided that cardio wasn’t cutting it and decided to add in Jillian Michaels’ “30 Day Shred” work out every other day. Do you know how annoying Jillian Michaels is at 5:00 in the morning? DO YOU? But I’ve done it. I’ve only taken off on the weekends but that’s only with exercise. I’ve stuck to my calorie intake that was designated by myfitnesspal.com. To lose 1lb a week based on my height and weight, my calorie intake was at 1500 calories. I’ve been under my calorie goal almost every day!
I have not lost a POUND. Not one. We are going on week four. I weighed myself today and you all…. I GAINED A POUND.
I don’t understand.
I know that the scale is terrible and you should judge by inches and not the numbers on the scale but SOMETHING has got to give. I honestly don’t know what to do! I have gone from basically little to no exercise to getting up five days a week and doing something! Weights and cardio! But my clothes don’t really feel any looser and the scale hates me.
Am I doing something wrong?
Do I need to get some blood work done?
Am I just going to keep getting fatter because that’s what it feels like.
I’m not going to quit but sheesh… I’m not saying there weren’t tears at the scale this morning either.
How is this not Monday???
This morning, after spilling half of my smoothie all over my boots and kitchen floor, I rear ended a car after dropping Evie off at school. It was in the school parking lot and I seriously did NOT hit the person that hard. (Besides! They were in my way…) It was at the exit and I had my head turned left, looking for oncoming traffic and thinking the person in front of me had already pulled out, I hit the gas.
Which lead to me hitting their bumper.
I wasn’t injured. My car wasn’t injured. I didn’t THINK their car was injured but apparently this upstanding citizen thought differently.
“Eh… I actually see some scratches. And it looks like you maybe have broken your license plate holder…”
Are you kidding me? I see three MINISCULE scratches on your bumper. Like I could pull out some red fingernail polish and solve this problem instantly.
But no.
They asked for my information so I obliged.
YOU ALL. I had to get within like two inches of their bumper to see what they were talking about. (And I know. Mike screamed, “How did you know those weren’t already there??” and I don’t for sure, but this person totally plays by the rules. You can tell. The thought of lying never entered their brain.)
So, we exchanged info and I just got off the phone and told them I would more than likely pay out of pocket because there’s no use in my insurance going up over THREE SCRATCHES.
After I left the scene of the crime, thoroughly annoyed, I had to get gas. For most humans, getting gas isn’t a big deal but since today is being an asshole, my gas tank decided to get stuck. At this point, I’m already late for work, I’ve “tapped” a car, and I’m cold. My morning is going downhill fast…
No matter how much I tugged, my gas tank wouldn’t budge. No matter how many times I pressed the release lever it wouldn’t pop open. After ten minutes of futile attempts, a gentleman approached me and said, with a tone of Are You Brain Damaged, “You have to hold the release and pull on the gas tank at the same time.”
Well, ok, great, Mr. Rubber Band Arms, you wanna show me how YOU do that? Because the last time I checked I didn’t have a wing span of a CONDOR.
I would have been nicer had he not sounded entirely disgusted by my absence of a Masters Degree in Getting Shit UnStuck Like Gas Tanks, but he didn’t so I wasn’t. Besides, he offered to help ME. Not like I begged him for his all knowing wisdom of Getting Shit UnStuck Like Gas Tanks.
Instead, I said, “Great. Do you mind to pull on the gas tank while I hold the lever?”
THEN.
He sighed. Like he was exasperated with my situation!
Listen, dick, I’ve just had a really crappy morning and TRUST ME, I would have eventually pried my gas tank open so don’t do ME any favors because you feel the need to fulfill your Good Citizen meter or whatever.
But I didn’t say any of that. Instead, I mumbled a thank you and went to pay.
Except THEN I noticed my credit card was bent and the card reader wouldn’t read it.
I KNOW.
I had to haul ass into the store, ask the guy to manually enter my credit card number, stand there while he made some lame joke about loving delete buttons that I had no interest in understanding and I finally made it back out to my car and on my way to work…
I just got off the phone with the insurance agent.
The person I hit has already filed a claim. For three scratches.
This is 100% Monday dressed up like Tuesday.
A Search For Hot Dog Buns & The Annoyance That Entailed
So THAT title totally has something to do with this post. Aren’t you guys proud? I’m getting better.
Back to the story at hand, though. New Years Day found me awake at freakin’ 7am, which is typical for me if I have any alcohol the night before. I’m not one of those lucky few who can sleep off a hangover. And honestly, I really wasn’t that hungover on New Years Day. I’d been somewhat responsible the night before, I’ll have you know. Regardless, my body knew that I had consumed alcohol so this is how I came to be sitting on the couch at a terribly early hour watching that awful Adam Sandler movie, Just Go With It. (Why, Jennifer Aniston? Why would you sign on for this? It was the trip to Hawaii, wasn’t it? I’d probably be ok with doing a terrible movie too if it meant I’d be spending a great deal of time in Hawaii.)
Regardless. There I was, nursing a mild headache and being inexplicably sucked into this movie when my mother called at 9:30a informing me that she was cooking hot dogs for lunch if Michael and I wanted to join her. Knowing I wouldn’t be in the mood for cooking, I agreed that *I* would be there. Michael would be in the bed for the majority of the day. (Well, that’s what happens when you play a game that involves rolling a dice and taking however many shots that the dice says.) Anyways, there was just one small matter at hand that she asked me to take care of and so I agreed. (She was giving me free hot dogs! My guiltiest food pleasure! Don’t judge me…)
She needed hot dog buns.
No big deal.
She told me she’d be back from church around 12:15p so I had plenty of time to grab them. I assumed Rite Aid would have them so I ventured there first to notice they had a measly 3 loaves of stale bread on their depleted shelves. Odd for Rite Aid… Then I went to a gas station that is 30 seconds from my house thinking, “Hot dog buns are a common item to run out of, right? This place will definitely have them!”
Had I been in search of hamburger buns, I would have hit the jackpot. But apparently this place discriminated against the hamburger’s porky cookout mate and was told, “Nope, but the gas station down the street has them for sure.” I was getting aggravated at this point because I know for a fact that I have bought hot dog buns at Rite Aid before and if a gas station has hamburger buns in stock it should be contractually obligated to keep hot dog buns in stock as well. These things are like peas and carrots!
Long story sort of short… I went to the next gas station to find that NO. WE HATE HOT DOGS TOO.
WTF.
I was trying to avoid going to WalMart or Kroger just because they’re further than I wanted to travel at all considering I was in giant baggy sweatpants, last night’s makeup, and a messy ponytail. Whitney was not looking her best by any means.
Anyways, I decided that Save-A-Lot, which I typically avoid at ALL costs because of the clientele that tends to visit the Save-A-Lot closest to me, would be my best bet for avoiding any people I may know or would have reason to feel ashamed of my appearance in front of. (Don’t think I’m being all snobby because I’m not… This Save-A-Lot is ROUGH.)
First off, this is the brightest store I have ever been in my ENTIRE life. It was like a damn spotlight the second I walked in and my mild headache went from mild to near-migraine in half a second. Second, I have suddenly become annoyed at my mother because BRENDA. I KNOW you just went to the grocery so why would you choose to make the one thing for dinner you don’t have all the necessities for!
But third and most off, as I walk around the corner there is this guy… who looks like the biggest scumbag I have ever seen…. standing there with a girl who I assume to be his girlfriend. As I’m walking by, IN MY SWEATPANTS AND NASTY PONYTAIL AND SMEARED MAKEUP, he looks at me and snarls his lip up and says, “You are one sexy motherfucker.”
Ok, let’s pause a second.
A)The girl you are with is standing RIGHT next to you and she looks absolutely horrified that you would have the nerve to utter these words to a complete stranger.
B) In what world has calling a random stranger a “sexy motherfucker” EVER worked for you? What did you think was going to happen? I was going to drop my purse and throw myself at you in the middle of the dairy section in Save-A-Lot???
I was actually blown away for a second. Then I remembered where I was and immediately gave the guy my best “You’re an a-hole” face. So I kept walking only to hear the guy shout out, “Oh this isn’t my girlfriend!”
Right.
Like that’s what was stopping me, pal.
I gave him the bird and walked around the corner.
P.S. The hot dog buns were stale. I shall never return to Save-A-Lot. Ever.
P.P.S. My mother didn’t have faith in me retrieving the hot dog buns so she sent my stepdad out for them as well. (“I figured you had fallen back to sleep, Whitney!” Thanks, Brenda. I’ll remember that.) Turns out, WalMart didn’t have them either. Apparently everyone was eating hot dogs on New Years Eve.
